Advice Needed About A Friend

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Stayc1989

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I have a friend who I work with and she is 32 and has never had a boyfriend. She has met guys before and been on dates but it has never gone anywhere other than just friends. She has been on several dating websites and chatted to a met a few men from there but has recently deleted all accounts as she has heard horror stories flying around the news lately so has been put off.

Anyway she usually says "oh I'm not bothered about men I'm just going to end up as a crazy cat lady" to any conversation involving men. But the other day she came over to me and another friend at work and said "how can I find a boyfriend"?. This is the first time she has ever asked for advice on finding a boyfriend, we've tried giving her advice and helping her out loads of times but she usually just says she's not bothered and what will be will be.

I think now she has finally told herself she needs to do something about it rather than having a negative attitude towards men and relationships. But I couldn't answer her question properly because I don't know how she can find a boyfriend. She is stuck in her ways and only comes to work, goes home, goes shopping and to her mums house. We have tried inviting her out with us and on the odd occasion she does come but most of the time she will make an excuse like she has to go food shopping or she's visiting her mum. Another work friend has invited her on holiday and she just says no. I have tried setting her up on a date with my boyfriends friend and told her to add him on Facebook and she said she can't find him on there and when he added her she declined him. I just felt so sorry for her the other day because she said "I'm never going to be a mum am i?". I don't know if she has low self confidence or something but she has asked men on dates before and invited a couple of guys to hers (not for anything naughty lol) but like I said it has never gone anywhere.

It made me feel sad because when she asked us how she can find a boyfriend she just looked like a lost little girl and I just wanted to grab her and give her a hug. I really don't know what to do she has loads of friends we only go round to hers for a drink of tea and it's not very regularly because all her friends have boyfriends or work with us and with us having dodgy shift patterns it's difficult for us to have time off to go around to hers. She said that on her holiday week off work she stayed in her flat all week and was lonely, so I said "you should have checked the rota and seen who was off and invited them around, I would have come up" and she says I don't want to burden you" I have told her time and time again it's not burdening me in her Friend and would come up if I was free. Like today she finished work at 4.45 and I had the day off so I text her at 4.50 asking if she'd like to go for tea and she didn't text back for an hour and a half and then she said she had put her tea on. It's so difficult and frustrating because she is a really nice person and it upsets me to think of her spending all her time alone and now she's finally admitted she's lonely and wants a relationship I feel there is something I can do to help but the question is : what?

Sorry for the long post but I have tried to give the full extent of what she's like and how difficult she can be. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am worried about her because she keeps saying she's depressed because she's on her own.
 

Glynis

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Ah that's tough. You're being such a lovely work mate :nod:
I hope you can get her out as that's another way to get confidence around people.
Can you suggest maybe group things for her to do.
She may benefit from seeing a counsellor for her depression issues that is a bit of a concern.

Good luck!
 

Stayc1989

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Thank you :) it's difficult as I don't want to offend her by suggesting counselling although I do agree she may Benefit from it, it's just how to drop it into conversation X
 

Stayc1989

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I've managed to get her to come to bingo tonight , we are getting there slowly lol, not really a place to find her a boyfriend but don't think my boyfriend would appreciate me taking her on the pull lol
 

KenspppPets

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I'm sure your friends a nice person, but I've come across people like this in my time that want things to happen - promotion, love, learn a new language - but won't put the work in to make it happen. Sometimes it's just plain laziness, but I think you're right if you think she's maybe a little insecure as this can be a massive hurdle if you have low self esteem but want to find someone to love you. People like this often hope that things will just happen and get sad and frustrated when they don't.
I know you said she had tried it before, but I cannot recommend online dating enough - it's how I found my finance and several other very decent partners. I don't think much of things like tinder but there are some good sites out there. Maybe you could have a fun girly evening and create her profile together? If she's hesitant, you could always do one for you too (as then delete it later and make sure your boyfriend knows about it!)
I agree with @Glynis that getting her to do group stuff could help. Depending on how much you're willing to commit yourself, you could suggest joining a regular activity together - my brother in law goes to a board game proud each week, it's a little geeky but sounds like a lot of fun with a wide mix of people.
I think you're being a wonderfully supportive friend, sounds like she needs someone like you giving her a boost.
 

Alex2016

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Hi,

I think I relate to this post, first may I say that you sound like an amazing friend ! I'm 22 and have never had a girl friend, I have taken a similar attitude to your friend saying whenever people mention it that I'm happy and will become a crazy cat Person, i have had friends that where girls and we have been out and done lots of cool things together but like me if you friend is going out with guys as friends she is never going to meet anyone as people will assume that it's her boyfriend !

I don't know about your friend but speaking from a personal stance point I'd say to her what advice would you give someone else in your situation ? SadKey it comes down to your friend to make the first moves and steps in the right direction as Prince Charming will not apper in the short journey to work !

What I've been doing is

1) join some clubs, I have no hobbies WHAT SO EVER , but recently started attending polish classes and am looking in to drama classes ( random as hell )

2) if she is on Facebook their is a social domane called meet up, basically s fourm where you select your interest and locations and it finds events locally that are hosted by approved people, these are anything from a Bord game night to film night coffee mornings sewing clubs walks in the park even saw one unusual one .. Hug club go to London and randomly hug folk lol this is something I've joined yet to go on any tho ( I'm still at want a gf not got of my bum to find one yet )

3 ) join a gym / these are awesome places to meet people make fiends, join clases and keeps you happy it's proved to incenses levels of serotonin in the brain :) once you make gym friends they invite you for events and a social circle starts

4) be realistic, it takes time don't give up ! Once you are in the swing of things the right person will cross your path ! (Or so I tell my self )

To be honest speaking from a experience if I was you id avoided trying to set up blind dates instead if you know someone who may be good enough for your firend go bowling or for a day out a as a group see how they gel ?

Hope this has helped in some way again just my 2 p worth speaking from experience ! :)
 

Stayc1989

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That's exactly it! She's waiting mr right to just pop up out of nowhere and expects too much when she gets friendly with someone and always ends up getting let down. I have suggested that she learns to drive to give her some confidence but she says "no I'm saving my money for a rainy day" or "I don't need a car because all my bus routes are local". But I said it would be easier to meet new people if you can just nip down when you have a spare hour or so but she still said no. She was talking to a guy on pof for a year and only met him once because she would need a full day to travel and meet him and on her days off she does her food shopping and goes to her mums so meeting him was always put off till next week and next week
. I think that's a good idea about getting her back on a dating site I will suggest that tonight and I will also try and get her out in nice places taking loads of photos out and about to make it appear she has a more active social life than she actually does to try and make her profile more appealing instead of hi my name is . . . And I live at . . . With my cat and I work at . . .
I will definitely suggest it tonight when I see her whether she says yes or not is another matter lol
 

Alex2016

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Deffently help her with the profile on the dating site, I had my firend help me ( saved it not made one yet ) mine was literally hobbies ... Sleep eat work cat LOL , it's hard as she dose not sound very confidant, you could get her a driving lesson next b day as a gift ? Driving will help, best of luck !
 

Stayc1989

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Hi,

I think I relate to this post, first may I say that you sound like an amazing friend ! I'm 22 and have never had a girl friend, I have taken a similar attitude to your friend saying whenever people mention it that I'm happy and will become a crazy cat Person, i have had friends that where girls and we have been out and done lots of cool things together but like me if you friend is going out with guys as friends she is never going to meet anyone as people will assume that it's her boyfriend !

I don't know about your friend but speaking from a personal stance point I'd say to her what advice would you give someone else in your situation ? SadKey it comes down to your friend to make the first moves and steps in the right direction as Prince Charming will not apper in the short journey to work !

What I've been doing is

1) join some clubs, I have no hobbies WHAT SO EVER , but recently started attending polish classes and am looking in to drama classes ( random as hell )

2) if she is on Facebook their is a social domane called meet up, basically s fourm where you select your interest and locations and it finds events locally that are hosted by approved people, these are anything from a Bord game night to film night coffee mornings sewing clubs walks in the park even saw one unusual one .. Hug club go to London and randomly hug folk lol this is something I've joined yet to go on any tho ( I'm still at want a gf not got of my bum to find one yet )

3 ) join a gym / these are awesome places to meet people make fiends, join clases and keeps you happy it's proved to incenses levels of serotonin in the brain :) once you make gym friends they invite you for events and a social circle starts

4) be realistic, it takes time don't give up ! Once you are in the swing of things the right person will cross your path ! (Or so I tell my self )

To be honest speaking from a experience if I was you id avoided trying to set up blind dates instead if you know someone who may be good enough for your firend go bowling or for a day out a as a group see how they gel ?

Hope this has helped in some way again just my 2 p worth speaking from experience ! :)
Basically she is wanting a channing Tatum twin and no offence but there's not many of them knocking around at the local tesco and if there was I'm sure most women would be sniffing around him lol I have told her she needs to be happy with herself before trying to find someone but she just says "I am happy with myself" but really I know she's not.
Ahh I've never heard of meet up before I will definitely suggest that one tonight too it sounds really interesting and I will tell her if she wants to go anywhere I will be happy to come/ drop her off there. I have suggested the gym but she was abut sour with me after that lol but all I was saying is if it's a big muscly guy she's after that's the place he will be! She can be so difficult and I'm actually surprised she's coming tonight, thank you for all your replies hopefully she will agree to something
 

Stayc1989

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Deffently help her with the profile on the dating site, I had my firend help me ( saved it not made one yet ) mine was literally hobbies ... Sleep eat work cat LOL , it's hard as she dose not sound very confidant, you could get her a driving lesson next b day as a gift ? Driving will help, best of luck !
That's a really good idea I could put a pot in the staff room and let everyone chip in for a couple of driving lessons, it's her birthday in August so got plenty of time to sort it :) thank you I never thought of that
 

Stayc1989

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Deffently help her with the profile on the dating site, I had my firend help me ( saved it not made one yet ) mine was literally hobbies ... Sleep eat work cat LOL , it's hard as she dose not sound very confidant, you could get her a driving lesson next b day as a gift ? Driving will help, best of luck !
That's a really good idea I could put a pot in the staff room and let everyone chip in for a couple of driving lessons, it's her birthday in August so got plenty of time to sort it :) thank you I never thought of that
 

flintstones

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Meet up is a really good site @Alex2016. Good suggestion, I do indoor and outdoor climbing and sometimes need a buddy which is why I joined. Like Alex has said it has a meet up for everything.

The most important thing for your friend to do is have fun, socialising don't think I need a someone realistically you don't you just need to enjoy life!
 

Alex2016

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totally off topic BUT, I once tried indoor climbing, got in all the gear harness hat ect .... I could just not do it, sooooo cringe kind of traumatised me
 

flintstones

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totally off topic BUT, I once tried indoor climbing, got in all the gear harness hat ect .... I could just not do it, sooooo cringe kind of traumatised me
Fear of heights by chance? It's not for everyone, I personally love it! Indoors and outdoors, outdoors is way scarier though.
 

Alex2016

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Nope, I don't mind heights, I am of a " huggable / fluffy " shape so think I was to heavy or weak ? Sooooooooo cringe god don't even want to remember
 

Stayc1989

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I don't think I could do it, a guy at my work is doing a sponsored absale down our local college for our local rspca centre and I was saying to him the other day that I'd get to the top and cry lol he goes rock climbing and he said sometimes he gets nervous but loves the adrenaline rush
 
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