Bambi- The need for freedom!

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rip_ernie

rip_ernie

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lol, i decided to write another story, this one is much happier!
i'll add more as I write!

Bambi gnawed restlessly at the mesh on his hutch door, he had dwelled on the idea of escaping for some time now, but he never really had any motivation to, until this morning, when a swallow had swooped into the garden and landed daintily on the handle of a wheel barrow, it had searched the lush turf with it’s beady eyes, watching for any signs of an insect, but then it had spotted a brown guinea pig watching her, she had leapt into the air and flew off, dancing in the cool summer breeze, Bambi longed to follow her, and see what it’s like beyond the walls of his run which sat on cool summer grass.

He heard the door open, his owner was coming down the garden path, he jumped back from the mesh and then started wheeking, he could smell they bitter scent of cabbage, he licked his lips and waited in anticipation, his owner was a young girl called Emma, her blonde hair was tied back in a tight pony tail and she wore brown jodhpurs, she was going to visit her horse, Samurai like she did every morning, but before she left she always topped up Bambi’s hay rack and water bottle. She opened his hutch door and was greeted by Bambi’s silky tongue which licked her hand, she then gave him the chopped cabbage and Bambi started purring in ecstasy and he chomped on each individual piece, savouring every bite.

Once he had finished eating, he walked back over to the mesh, it had started to become thin, only a bit more chewing and he would be able to escape, he chewed on it for a while, then it suddenly snapped, Bambi jumped back in surprise, he stuck his head through the mesh, he hadn't realised his hutch was so far off the ground, he hesitated for a moment, then pulled the rest of his body through the mesh and landed with a thud on the floor. He lay stunned for a second, then he hopped up onto his feet and looked around, he suddenly felt very vulnerable so he scurried to the shadow which the high fence was casting on the ground, his journey had begun!
 
lol, give me chance to write it, I kinf od make it up as I go along ;D

He looked across the lawn, he could see the gate across the other side, he began to cross the lawn, but he got distracted by some plantain, he started to chew on it's tasty leaves when he heard something, the postman had opened the garden gate and was walking up the path, Bambi looked at his plantain, then at the gate, this was his chance! He sprinted across the lawn, through the postman's legs and out onto the street, his adrenaline was pulsing through him, there was strange noises and smells everywhere, he darted between people's feet, his adrenaline was replaced with pure fear! He screeched with terror, what had he done! He carried on running up the street, until he came to a gate, it led through a feild down to a forest, he decided, that is where he should go!
 
Once he had managed to get under the gate he walked closely to the battered wall which marked the edge of the feild, he was panting and thirsty.
He reached the forest after a while of slow walking down the feild, he could hear the sound of rushing water, it sounded like the tap when Emma filled his water bottle, he felt a pang of guilt inside him, would Emma be upset that he had gone?
The floor of the forest was littered with shredded bark and leaves, some of the leaves were so deep they almost covered him completley, at least he was hidden from predators. He reached the sandy bank of the stream, he got as close as he could to the edge, then lapped up the fresh water. There was a breeze blowing through the forest, Bambi's fur ruffled as it blew on him, suddenly he smelt something, it wasn't a good smell, it was them smell of danger, Bambi looked round, trying to find the danger, when he suddenly spotted two dark eyes wtaching him from under a bush, Bambi froze with fear, and the fox began to advance towards him.
 
Bambi watched the fox get closer and closer, until he could smell the fox's the breath- it had the smell of death! Bambi took one step back, keeping his eyes on the fox, he had seen a fox once, it had come into the garden when he was in his run, he could remember Emma running out trying to scare the fox off, but Emma wasn't here.
Bambi took another step back and the fox let out a deep growl, Bambi suddenly sprang forwards and bit the fox's nose with his razor teeth. The fox yelped and reared up, Bambi ran past the fox, it chased after him in a blind rage, snarling. Bambi ran as fast as he could, ducking underneath roots that had risen from the ground, then he spotted a hole, it looked like a rabbit burrow, he could remember Emma's rabbit who used to dig at the lawn before he sadly died. Bambi jumped into the hole and went as far down as he could. He could hear the fox's paws scrabbling at the dirt, it tried to fit into the hole, but it gave up, it decided to chase some rabbits that it had seen. Bambi waited in the hole for a while then slowly climbed out, the fox was gone.
Bambi didn't know what to do, he wanted to go home, he missed Emma and his cosy hutch, but he had lost his way after being chased by the fox, he walked over to a tree and went into a hole in it's rotting trunk, he watched the stars in the sky for a while, then he drifted into a restless sleep.
 
lol I was just having lunch ;D I'll get back to writing!


He awoke the next day, the early morning sun flooded the hole he was in, he yawned and stretched his lges, then he climbed out the hole and looked around, if he could find his way back to the stream, then he could find his way from there! He tried to listen for the stream but the wind was blowing strongly and all he could hear was rushing of leaves being battered by the wind. He looked up at the trees which towered over him, their leaves created a lush, green canopy which the sun was trying to break through. He sighed then carried on walking, he had dreamt of Emma last night, she had given him green, sweet hay and cabbage. He felt it's stomach tie it's self in knots, as if punishing him for dreaming of such things. He sat by the edge of a path which had been worn down by people walking down it, there was a huge bush of plantian, Bambi dived into it and started eating.
 
Great story Beth, can I just give you some advice though! :) PLOT! Don't just write blindly, the story is really good but to me it seems a little frantic, thats good if it's short and sweet but if you want to make this longer then plot your ideas down, you'll be suprised you may find more options for the tale as well and as your writing it in the third person you can do anything you want. :)

Also there are loads of commas, I go by one comma then one full stop, you need to come up for a longer breath, I think thats why I'm finding it a bit frantic.

I love your use of language and descriptive words, keep that up, as we can't see what's going on we have to imagine it and the only way is to describe it and you've captured that perfectly.

I hope you don't think I'm being fussy, just trying to offer a few pointers to a budding writer, I think you have a huge talent! Keep it up!

Louise
x
 
Thanks :)
I am terrible at english so I'm not surprised it's like this xx0 the stories are supposed to be very short lol that's why I make so much happen in one paragraph.
Sorry if I made it hard to readXxX i'll try better in the next paragarph :)
 
Aww don't appologise Beth it's great I used to be terrible at English, still am! :D No seriously, if you try then you'll get a lot out of it!

It's good you are writing! :D
 
i'll write abit more once I am thinking sanely! 98) I have just been riding and got myself into a show after 5 lessons ;D anyway, I'll get back to the story.
 
A show after 5 lessons? I'm guessing you must be really good at it then!

My new years resolution is to take piano lessons. My OH can play nearly every instrument and I am jealous!
 
I'm only doing walking lol, but in a few lessons time i'll be cantering! :o oh well lol i'llw rite morw tomorrow
 
Bambi had been eating the plantain for a while, when he suddenly heard a strange noise, it grew louder as it got closer to him, he saw two large animals walking with a fast pace down the path. He saw two girls on them, one was wearing the same jodphurs as Emma. Bambi looked closer, the girl had long, blonde hair, tied back in a tight pony tail! he ran into the path squeaking and the two horses reared up in suprise, their owners managed to calm them, Emma looked at the path to see what had frightened them, and that is when she saw a small, weak brown guinea pig! she dismounted and ran over to Bambi, who was wheeking madly, she scooped him up and hugged him, thay had been re-united! Emma held Bambi securley and mounted her horse again, Bambi snuggled deeply into her jacket as Emma held the horses reins with one hand and held Bambi with the other. They slowly walked home, Bambi could see the village in front of them, it was tiny comapred to what it ahd been like before, he was heading home, and he no longer wanted to be free!
 
Awwwwww, lucky Bambi! Anything could have happened to him!

So glad he found his Emma. :smitten: :smitten:

Can you write me some more stories? This has kept me entertained all evening! You're good at it!
 
Thanks, i'll plan one tonight and write it up tomorrow, it gives me soemthign to do whilst I'm off school :)
 
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