Lexi has a serious complaint for the GPU

Betsy

Betsy

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Dear Thea

I know you are my best friend and that we could wheek about this over our daily bowl of forage, but as this is so serious, I thought I'd better write to you in your official capacity of Shop Steward.

For the last two mornings our breakfast has be late. Not just 5 minutes late but half an hour late! Yesterday it was late and the excuse Slave gave us? Well she had to clean out the run, give us fresh fleece to run about on, fresh hideys to hide in and a new Carrot Cottage. As well as this massive excuse we also had to suffer the indignity of our weekly check! Which, I might add, we both passed. Why didn't Slave get up half an hour earlier to tend to our needs? This morning the excuse was completely unforgiveable ..... Slave couldn't get her lazy ar5e out of bed! Does she not realise that we need breakfast on time, every time? Our measly portion of pellets is what makes life worth living.

I need your advice so that breakfasts in future aren't delayed.

Your best friend

The Very Lovey Lexi
 
Dear Lexi,
We sympathise with you and we hope that Thea deals with your slave appropriately.
We too, have suffered some late breakfasts and don’t think our slave’s excuse of being tired is good enough.
It’s quite right that slaves work long hours to keep us in the style we deserve.
We look forward to seeing Thea‘s reply.
Love and wheeks from Priscilla and Micah

PS - Micah says he’s doing a special rumble for you because you are so beautiful
 
Dear Lexi

You have a point, our Slave is getting out of hand. We clearly need to train her better!

You need to carry on with your Psychological Torture that you started last week as that worked well. Watch her every move, don't make a sound and just follow her with your eyes and telepathically let her know what we need - that freaked out Slave last week. When you have decided that the Psychological Torture has worked, what we need to do then is wheek at the top of our lungs and stand on our hind legs at the bars of the run or the hutch so that Slave realises we're starving and need food. When Slave comes to move us with the Snuggle Snack Express, we have to make it really hard for her to get us into it. Instead of stepping in it as we usually do, we have to run around the run, or hutch and only when we are completely exhausted with running around are we to go into it. This will make Slave realise we aren't happy with her making us wait for our breakfast or any type of food. I know we always have hay to eat but we also need other stuff to eat too.

Yours in comradeship

The One and Only Thea
Shop Steward
 
Dear Lexi

We have heard that Bann and Camowen have expertly trained their slave @Lorcan to bring food upon demand. We are very impressed by this as our slave is quite useless and possibly untrainable. Maybe send them a message and they can advise you on the best techniques for raining your hooman to bring meals on time.

We are currently using bar chewing to annoy our slave, we do this especially when she is on 'work' calls in hope that she will feed us so that her colleagues won't think that she is starving us.

Good luck with the training.

Wheek, wheek
Dora, Ginger, Mavis, Peggy, Milo, Maud and Pol
 
Dear Lexi,

It's true, we have managed to train The Human. The reason why, however, is because he's a dolt who doesn't think 6 months ahead. Really!

When we arrived, we were in a room out of the way of most of the household goings on, before he moved us into this lovely castle room of ours. It means we get to see more of what's going on but also we can hear better than ever! He says something about "open plan downstairs", we have no idea what that means, but for us, it means that we can hear everything! Opening crisps? Gotcha. Opening biscuits? Gotcha. He's getting food and we're not and we can hear that. Plastic sleeve for fabric? That's food too. We can hear that's food no matter how much he groans it's "just a plastic bag".

Which leads us to the next point. We like to make noise anyway, whether by screaming, shrieking, or demolishing a hay cube (apparently it sounds like someone taking a hammer to the wall. Whatever a hammer is.). But screaming and shrieking brings him running because of something called "the neighbours". Apparently the neighbours are people, but we're not convinced, because we've never met the people. But he panics when we shriek and scream because he doesn't want us to upset the neighbours OR for the neighbours to think he's starving us to death. But he is. So why would we keep quiet? And now that we know what his game is, we're totally ready for it. We want food, we shriek, and he feeds us, because he doesn't want the neighbours to know.

Sounds fair to us, really, but we're not convinced the Human quite believes it yet. But he'll learn!

Hoping this helps,
Bann and Camowen.
 
Dear Lexi,

Us boys can also fully sympathise with this. The actions of our slave are just despicable, and are potentially an issue to be raised as a separate complaint entirely? Thea can possibly advise on this?

We hear our slave stir in the very early hours, before sunrise; and so there is absolutely no room for excuses once the daylight starts to set in not long after. We also hear that strange slobbery one get up with her in the early hours (just for clarification - not the bearded one.... more that black and white one that has a strange extra leg that swings in the air behind him? - another irritating matter that we shall raise another day). Slave thinks she is creeping around as to not awaken us, nor the bearded one; but when will she realise that we miss nothing? We know she is up!

Her excuse is that she must leave our nest extra early to go attend to that huge, ginger one with the funny feet? We are not experts, but hasn't the Jurassic era been and gone? And surely no creature can get around on just single toes? That's madness!
Not sure why she must go attend to a dinosaur at silly-o-clock in the morning. Even after her strange daily encounters of the Jurassic kind, she still doesn't return to attend to us. She has yet another excuse! Apparently the slobbery one with the wagging extra leg, needs to go for a run and also to relieve himself..... Why hasn't that silly creature not figured out that it's just much easier to constantly relieve yourself at home in the nest and to popcorn around the carpet? Why go outside to pee? And the silly thing wants to be running outside in the cold (with equally as silly slave).

Finally, after all of this, slave returns (usually just after sunrise) to tend to us. In her defence, she does a marvellous job, we are left clean, fed, watered and with the best hay piles any piggy could wish for. She then leaves us again though, apparently, she has to go do things to 'pay' for us all (whatever that means). She also says we cost near as much as the other two (again, whatever that means)? She used to return before sunset, but as of late she is returning after sunset (silly slave tried to blame clocks changing - she thinks we are daft - we know she can't 'change time', she's no Dr.Strange!); and so the despicable time keeping continues into the evenings.

What on earth are we to do?

Please advise dearest Thea, we really appreciate any support

We are all sending extra kisses for you lovely ladies!

Thor, Boris, Jacob, Bobby and Rufus x
 
Dear Thor, Jacob, Bobby and Rufus

You are having more trouble with your Slave than us! How dare she deal with the Slobbery One with the strange extra wagging leg and the dinosaur before she tends to your every whim. The only redeeming feature, it seems, is that when she leaves you, you appear to be in complete comfort.

Has your Slave no sense whatsoever? Does she not realise that piggies have hyper sensitive hearing and know exactly what is going on at all times? The cheek of thinking that you are stupid enough not to realise she's awake!

You need to let her know that you know she is up and about and that you are priority in the house. Do this by co-ordinating your morning "We Need Breakfast Now" chorus of wheeks, this will make it extra loud and she'll be so worried that she'll come into your room to see what all the fuss is about and then she will feed you just to shut you up so you don't wake the bearded one. When she does appear make sure she realises that you are really happy to see her by zooming and popcorning all around the cage. She will think this is so lovely that she'll want to see it every morning and will always tend to your needs first.

Yours hoping the Slave Training improves

The One and Only Thea
Shop Steward
 
Thor, Boris, Jacob, Bobby, and Rufus,

We keep hearing about this "time change" thing, too! It means that our dinner has moved an hour later. I don't know why she thinks that our dinner time needs to change ... something about "daylight saving time," whatever that is ... it still gets dark, so I don't think it's working. On top of that, she's been wandering off for longer periods with a pathetic excuse about "work" running long. At least the secondary human is home most of the time, though there are days she has been neglecting us because she has a "meeting" ... pfft! At least she seems to still come through at roughly the same time in the morning, albeit complaining about the "time change," saying she's going to bed on "new time" and waking up on "old time" ... whatever, just feed us on piggy time! That would be all the time, of course.

Always,
Latte
 
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