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Ouch My Head! Trigger Warning

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The fact that I went and did it when I was really sick myself I'm really proud of that because the concert had been booked for over two months and I can let 78 people down that's why I did it I did it for them and I did it for the family is because their families will have a smile to remember their parents by and you just can't put a price on that
 
Well I seem to have done for the last week roughly is spend most of my time sleeping
Thank you antipsychotic increased dose that's really make my life really rubbish
I'm hoping it actually stops by the time I need to go back to the doctors to get more because if it doesn't then I'm in trouble
 
They are helping with the nasty brill read pop-up messages I was getting time is set myself on fire and things like that and the voices are but to 3 rooms away rather than being in the actual room with me so I guess that could be called progress
I seem to be permanently hungry that's another thing I've noticed is my mads of gone up
I just wish I wasn't so tired all the time
It would be nice to be awake during the day rather than bloody sleeping
That's really starting to do my head
 
Well I spent half of the day asleep again but there's nothing I can do about it
It's really starting to get on my nerves though
 
All i have been doing since my meds have been upped is sleep
Its been really rubbish
I havent been able to function or anything really
 
Have you had another talk with your doctors? Maybe to try a different medication ? :) how is choc and stripey? Focus on them maddy! We all have your back and hope you feel better soon
 
Unfortunately there isn't any other antipsychotics that I can have because I've been through them and I'm on the last available job that's license for my condition and two more approved of course but I'll probably take about five years before one pill get changed nothing ever moves fast in the NHS
 
The piggies are doing my head because they keep fighting over blades of hay
Other than that they're okay
 
My sleeping is still fantastically messed up
I appear to be falling asleep Oliver the place daytime nighttime matter
I don't know thought we going to do about the antipsychotics making me tired all the time because I can't switch to another one because of went through the antipsychotics in the same way I went to the antidepressants before they realised it wasn't good for me to be on antidepressants because of my bipolar treats
 
So we are kind of in a Catch-22 situation because I can't switch but it looks like I can't stay on the same one either I don't no because I want any more options
Correction there aren't any more options
 
Medication isn't the entire option though, it's always a part of overall treatment. For some, medication may play a big part, for others no part, but it's only ever part of what works. It sounds like your piggies and music give you so much structure and enjoyment :tu:
 
Music has been something I have done since the age of three and I have no sign of stopping now
I'm always interested in peoples responses to the music that I play and upload
 
I think that if I didn't have my piggies and my music and a few friends that I have where I live I probably would find life really difficult to cope with
It's all those factors that keep me going I think
 
What doesn't look good is the fact that I'm trying to have my hours increased but my purse my sleep is so messed up I've cancelled quite a lot of support slots so it might not be increased as a result or it could be taken away all together so I'm going to have to have a word with the doctor when I get my next prescription because I can't keep living my life in sections of being conscious and sections of being onto conscious that the unconscious bitch is outweighing the bit where am unconscious
So I can use the medication increase as a reason for it so many cure slots been cancelled because it's not my fault that I can't steal week because another thing that antipsychotics do when you first get put on them are you have your dorsal turd is it interrupts your sleep great
Correction have your dolls increased causes sleep disturbance
They have given me sleeping tablets but they're very very weak sleeping pill and that's another problem they're not strong enough to keep me under I think that is why I'm falling asleep all over the place
They give you a tablet to sort one problem out but it gives you another five for the knee have to give you more tablets to sort out the problems with the first one and so on and so on
 
I have a doctor's appointment on January 9 so I will be discussing with them then about the fact that I can't seem to keep myself awake during the day when I need to do stuff
That's really starting to do my head
 
I will also be discussing with them the possibility of going on some nutritional supplement weight gain thing because I'm doing is a 15-year-old and I'm 32
That's anorexia for you
 
I have to talk about this because this is been doing my heading since May
I initially moved to Reading to make another go of it with my well I don't know what he is now my partner and I have no idea anyway last night I had a support worker who is now no longer my support worker I am but I'm still her friend and him and her had some really weird chemistry going on when I first met each other but I just missed it anyway the last gig I did at this sort of arty place they were both there and it was actually undressing each other by looking at each other and I'm sitting in the middle of them so I dismissed it forgot about it last night he gives her a poem that he's written for her that night in question because he said he had written it on the night of my performance which is the day before my birthday that's how I remember it
Anyway she starts reading out and it's all about how stars and sunlight reflected in her eyes and how conflicting emotions love and hate are going through her soul and how she shouldn't give up on what she was all what she is because I love will never die and her aunt will last forever and I went on like this for about 10 minutes but I got it in two stages because he looked at her when she started reading out to begin with so she stopped reading and when I went out for a cigarette later on I asked her to read it and that's how I know what it said because we were outside now if they want to be together I don't have a problem with that but what I do you have a problem with is being left dangling on an emotional stress by this person i.e. my partner all good this knows what he is
Correction emotional the bread
I don't like being treated as if I'm stupid because I have no site the reason how I know they were virtually on dressing each other is because he used to look at me like that I long time ago mind you but I recognised a look but it wasn't been directed at me
If it hadn't been New Year I would've walked out and left them to it because I'm not willing to play second fiddle all be someone's default partner if something goes wrong with a new partner
He started to with draw from my care in May and that's when she started working with me so now that I've looked back through the timeframe in my head it all matches the distance that he's put between the pair of us and the interest he showing in her and I'm not imagining it because I've seen the look before many times
I am totally broken completely broken because he got me down here it looks like completely under false pretence says and I don't know what to do now because I thought I was moving to Reading for him but it looks like I've moved for no reason
Even though I didn't like Peterborough very much I had a lot of good friends there and I was quite settled and it's like there was a bit of jealousy that I had quite a big social circle which obviously now I know longer have and I just don't know what to do because she's asking me last night if I still love him and I said yes I do and I always will do so I think she was trying to clear the decks she could see how the land was lying in my head before she makes a move
It's like he doesn't want me as a partner but he doesn't want anybody else to have me either that's what it feels like
And I jokingly said to him last night when we were having a cup of tea at his house when we came back that if I have another year like this here I'm going back to Scotland which is where I come from and he was quite eager for me to go home so it's like he wants me out of Reading three can do what you likes but if that's the case why let me come here
I don't like the mind games he's playing with me it's not fair I also asked him what he wanted in his life and he said he wanted stability because he's bipolar then I said well what do you want in a relationship sense so I was sort of fishing for information and he said that he didn't want to talk about it because she couldn't think about it apparently because she is not stable I have seen him in much worse state than he is now and he looks pretty stable to me so I think he just doesn't want to set me free because he wants me as his default
It has broken my heart because I love him as soon as I saw him well you know I mean heard him in my case I can't just turn that off I've known him for the last eight years I have helped him not lose his house by paying the credit company off none of his friends helped him with it so I stepped in because of his bipolar I thought it was important that he had stability in his environment because he doesn't have it in his head
This is the thanks I get
Anyway that's enough rambling because I'm just making myself upset thanks for reading
 
What time hurts even more is the fact that he writes a poem for her but he's never ever written a poem for me in my life
 
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