A complaint to the GPU from Wally Werepig & Herman Wheek-a-lot.

AidaB

AidaB

Forum Donator 2026/27
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Location
Milton Keynes
Poo central,
The Floor,
Somewhere in Milton Keynes.


GPU
c/o The Penthouse
Betsy Towers,
The Garage.




Dear Sir Saxon Canute
We trust this letter finds you well.
We write to you with respect to a great grievance affecting ourselves, in this our own home.

It has come to our notice that the human has been eating OUR food. Not only that but she was calling it rabbit food. The human also ate her portion of OUR food before we were allowed our vegetables.

We have tried to approach the problem with multiple bar biting sessions, which unfortunately has resulted in us being told “It’s not your tea time.”and “you’re going to hurt your teeth.”

We feel that this is extremely unfair, and believe that it goes against any agreement that there was previously between ourselves & the Human when we decided to share a house with her.

We would be most grateful if the Union would investigate this matter and advise us as to the proper course of action. We are prepared to attend any meetings and to provide further evidence if required.

We have the honour to remain,
Your faithful Guinea Pigs,
Many wheeks ,

Wally Werepig and
Herman Wheek-a-lot.
 
Too hot,
Poo Central,
The floor,
Somewhere in MK.



GPU
c/o The Penthouse
Betsy Towers,
The Garage.


Dear Sir Saxon Canute,
Our humble apologies we did not realise you were on holiday. We hope you are having a fantastic time.

We would like to add a couple of points to our original complaint.

The humans own Mum(she doesn’t live here, and calls us The Grandpigs) has asked why we are not eating at the table with her? After the audacity of making us wait while she ate OUR food, we then had to play hunt the veggies. We think we should be served our supper in a suitable style, admittedly we can’t reach the table, but on a plate would be lovely.

We would like to draw your attention to our current address it feels like we are living in an unsavoury place “The Floor”.

Although we suspect The human is correct on this one, that the floor is the best place to be at the moment, she actually joined us last night(outside our home) for her big sleep.

We await your response,
After your holiday of course.

With many Wheeks & a few 💩💩💩💩
We remain your faithful guinea pigs,
Wally & Herman.
 
Dear Wally Werepig and Herman Wheek-a-lot

I am now back from my holiday and I had a lovely time at Aunty Lilli's and got lots of naughty Aunty Lilli treats. Aunty Lilli is lovely and spoils us all rotten.

I have read your complaint and I am completely outraged that your Hooman eats YOUR food before you are allowed the scraps that she doesn't want to eat! This is disgraceful behaviour and then have the audacity to call it "Rabbit Food" I have never heard such an insult! We are clearly superior over that hopping species any day!

I understand that you have tried to let her know that this is totally unacceptable behaviour with multiple bar biting session and the response you got was unfavourable. Doesn't your stupid Hooman know that you are not so ignorant as to know that biting the bars might break your teeth so you do it very carefully so that this doesn't happen? Also to be told "It's not your tea time" is clearly blatant lying as every hour of the day is time for food and your Hooman should be aware of this.

There is nothing wrong in playing hunt the veggies. All three of us find this fun! To be served veggies on a plate would be boring as we wouldn't need to snuffle through hay to find them. Playing hunt the veggies also has the added benefit of finding any tasty bits of hay that might have been missed.

Now back to how you can teach your Hooman how to honour "any agreement that there was previously between ourselves & the Human when we decided to share a house with her"

You should
  • Wheek (Herman you should be good at this) even more and much louder than you usually do especially when your Hooman is on the phone, on an important work's Team Meeting or when she is trying to watch the TV
  • Shout at her when the fridge door opens
  • Perfect the death nap
  • When your Hooman has you out for a cuddle on her lap, climb up her front and deposit poops in her bra
  • While on a zoomie session, spray woodshavings, hay and poop all over the floor
As to your current address: I love "Poo Central" but the floor does sound a bit demeaning, I must admit, you could change it to "The C&C Cage" or "The Hay Place" or maybe even "Chez Wally Werepig and Herman Wheek-a-lot"?

Your helpful friend

Sir Saxon Canute
Shop Steward
 
A little cooler,
Poo Central,
The Floor,
(yep still down on the floor, despite it being cooler ☹️)
Somewhere in MK.

Dear Sir Saxon Canute,
We are glad to hear you enjoyed your holiday, with plenty of treats from your Auntie.

Thank you for your very helpful reply.
I have been working on my croissant style death naps recently. Which is making the hoooman concerned (I am not normally a death napper style pig).
Herman’s been busy pestering for food at any opportunity.
As to pooping in her Bra, well Herman likes to do big wees on the male hooman every night, not quite the right hoooman but a step in the right direction.

Living on the floor is giving us many opportunities to kick hay & poo everywhere. We like sneaking a poo out of the grids when the humans least expect it and hearing them go “ewww I trod on a poo!”


Thank you for the house name change suggestions, we are going to think about them.

Many wheeks
From Wally Werepig.
(Herman’s lost in hay!)
 
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