Delectable Dave's lonely hearts column

Countrylass

Countrylass

Teenage Guinea Pig
Joined
May 5, 2010
Messages
564
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Location
Shropshire
Hello everyone, Dave here

I'm a single, approximately 18 month old neutered boar with a couple of failed bonding sessions behind me (but we'll not dwell on that!).

This is me:

20240421_140317[1].webp

As you may have guessed from the title of the thread, I'm a lonely boar. Now, don't get me wrong, I have the terrible trio of scary oldie sow's on one side and my bromance partner Taz with his ladies on the other side of my space so I have company.

What I'd really like, is a lady friend or two of my own but the hooman said my ears need to have the all clear from the vet on Friday before I can get married. I blame the hooman for always looking at my ears during lap time and giving me a complex for my twitchiness when she touches them.

If there are any other single lonely boars out there, maybe we could share our woes?
 
Hi I'm Stripe and Chez is my neighbor.

I became paralyzed with an ear infection and Chez bullied me so vet lady said we should be neighbors.

Don't worry I'm back to walking and zooming.

You look like a big boy.

Stripe
 
Countrylass said:
Hello everyone, Dave here

I'm a single, approximately 18 month old neutered boar with a couple of failed bonding sessions behind me (but we'll not dwell on that!).

This is me:

View attachment 263283

As you may have guessed from the title of the thread, I'm a lonely boar. Now, don't get me wrong, I have the terrible trio of scary oldie sow's on one side and my bromance partner Taz with his ladies on the other side of my space so I have company.

What I'd really like, is a lady friend or two of my own but the hooman said my ears need to have the all clear from the vet on Friday before I can get married. I blame the hooman for always looking at my ears during lap time and giving me a complex for my twitchiness when she touches them.

If there are any other single lonely boars out there, maybe we could share our woes?
Click to expand...
Hi Dave 💙
 
Hello Delectable Dave

I'll start by saying please don't let my Mum Misty know I'm writing to you (she is the only piggy brave enough to tell me off!). I think you are a very lovely boy. My Mum Misty says I have to keep myself nice. I note that you have been neutered........

Your friend in a crisis

Miss Bramble
Shop Steward
 
Dear Delectable Dave,
I am Wally werepig & I live next to my friend Loki. We have each other’s company.
I can empathise, I have had a few failed attempts at making friends.
The hoomans occasionally mumble something about plum fairies- whoever they maybe- but at the moment no lady pigs live here, we have been told it’s a boars only home.


Hooman lady says it’s really sad we didn't want to live together- but we love hanging out together at the bars, napping, rumbling & pinching each others hay.
Although Loki did take it a step too far & stole my hay cookie the other day.



Good luck finding a new lady or 2 to love.
Hope it’s not too long a wait.
Wheeks from Wally 💩

IMG_8211.webp


IMG_8199.webp
 
Dear Delectable Dave,
Like Wally Werepig and Loki we live as neighboars and the hooms keep talking about "plum fairies"
I would be very happy to share everything as I am a gentlepig with lovely manners.
Dignified Sir George.
IMG-20240917-WA0000.webp
Unfortunately my neighboar, Mischievous Master Boris is a bit too ill mannered and likes to argue. Don't be fooled by that innocent face....he's a troublemaker!
20241228_193310.webp
 
Ramia said:
Hi I'm Stripe and Chez is my neighbor.

I became paralyzed with an ear infection and Chez bullied me so vet lady said we should be neighbors.

Don't worry I'm back to walking and zooming.

You look like a big boy.

Stripe
Click to expand...

Hello Stripe, an ear infection sounds horrible, glad you are back to walking and zooming. Do you tell Chez off now he's safely behind bars? I weigh in at around 1340g so the hoomans make me have extra floor time which is really just an excuse for me to steal their hay through the mesh!

Betsy said:
Hello Delectable Dave

I'll start by saying please don't let my Mum Misty know I'm writing to you (she is the only piggy brave enough to tell me off!). I think you are a very lovely boy. My Mum Misty says I have to keep myself nice. I note that you have been neutered........

Your friend in a crisis

Miss Bramble
Shop Steward
Click to expand...

Hello Miss Bramble, thank you. Do you think your mom Misty would let us elope to Gretna for a quick marriage ceremony as you seem like my kind of lady?

Bill & Ted said:
Hi Dave hope you find love very soon, Hector and Kiki
Click to expand...

Thank you, Hector and Kiki. I'm hoping sooner rather than later.

Merab said:
Hello Delectable Dave.
You are very handsome.
If I wasn’t already married to a handsome teddy boy you could have come and lived with me.
Love Miriam
Click to expand...

Hello Miriam, couldn't you break things off with him - he could have the scary oldies next door?

AidaB said:
Dear Delectable Dave,
I am Wally werepig & I live next to my friend Loki. We have each other’s company.
I can empathise, I have had a few failed attempts at making friends.
The hoomans occasionally mumble something about plum fairies- whoever they maybe- but at the moment no lady pigs live here, we have been told it’s a boars only home.


Hooman lady says it’s really sad we didn't want to live together- but we love hanging out together at the bars, napping, rumbling & pinching each others hay.
Although Loki did take it a step too far & stole my hay cookie the other day.



Good luck finding a new lady or 2 to love.
Hope it’s not too long a wait.
Wheeks from Wally 💩
Click to expand...
Hello Wally, I've met these plum fairies - trust me, the tithe these fairies charge is painful and undignified, one word: emasculated springs to mind! But the reward of sweet ladies is worth it, I think. Saying that though, I wouldn't want to loose my bromance with Taz - the ladies don't have strict boundary disputes. I hope you have had revenge on Loki and stole all of his really yummy hay.
AidaB said:
Dear Delectable Dave,
Like Wally Werepig and Loki we live as neighboars and the hooms keep talking about "plum fairies"
I would be very happy to share everything as I am a gentlepig with lovely manners.
Dignified Sir George.
Unfortunately my neighboar, Mischievous Master Boris is a bit too ill mannered and likes to argue. Don't be fooled by that innocent face....he's a troublemaker!
Click to expand...

Hello Dignified Sir George, you do look like a very noble pig. Do you have any tips on obtaining lovely manners? The hoomans say I bite them (lies really, I'm just exercising my teeth during nail clipping) and they think this "attitude" might be affecting my dating.

VickiA said:
Oh hello Dave. You’re a handsome chap. Better keep your photo away from Venetia & Iris!
Click to expand...

Thank you. Are Venetia and Iris on a dating app? I'm open to having more than one wifepig :D
 
Countrylass said:
Hello Miss Bramble, thank you. Do you think your mom Misty would let us elope to Gretna for a quick marriage ceremony as you seem like my kind of lady?
Click to expand...
My Mum Misty wouldn't let me elope. She got "caught" with me and my brothers (not that I see them) and doesn't want the same fate for me. Even though you have been neutered and you are a really very delectable Delectable Dave, I am sorry but I'm going to have to say no and turn you down you very kind offer of marriage.

Bramble Haycube 1.webp
 
Well I have calcified bulla syndrome and I could get another ear infection any time. Hoping this last round of antibiotics nipped it in the bud.

Now that me and Chez are separated I just peek at him and honestly haven't rumbled once since we've been separated.
 
Betsy said:
My Mum Misty wouldn't let me elope. She got "caught" with me and my brothers (not that I see them) and doesn't want the same fate for me. Even though you have been neutered and you are a really very delectable Delectable Dave, I am sorry but I'm going to have to say no and turn you down you very kind offer of marriage.

View attachment 263321
Click to expand...

That is truly a shame Miss Bramble as you really do look like my kind of lady. After the stress of experiencing the hoomans driving yesterday evening (I got dragged to see the doctor, it was an embarrassing episode where I was tagged as "frozen in fear" and told I was "a chunk" plus was groped), I don't think I could cope with her driving me to Gretna.
 
Ramia said:
Well I have calcified bulla syndrome and I could get another ear infection any time. Hoping this last round of antibiotics nipped it in the bud.

Now that me and Chez are separated I just peek at him and honestly haven't rumbled once since we've been separated.
Click to expand...

Fingers crossed that you don't have to have any more antibiotics as that sounds yucky. I don't think I'm as noble as you - I rumble and bite the bars at Taz plus steal his hay.
 
Betsy said:
My Mum Misty wouldn't let me elope. She got "caught" with me and my brothers (not that I see them) and doesn't want the same fate for me. Even though you have been neutered and you are a really very delectable Delectable Dave, I am sorry but I'm going to have to say no and turn you down you very kind offer of marriage.

View attachment 263321
Click to expand...
That's a real shame Miss Bramble! I see you've nibbled a heart shape in the wall of your cottage, so maybe in your hidden heart's desire, you really do want to get together with Delectable Dave?

P.S. Dave is behind the times, you no longer have to elope to Gretna. The marriage laws got changed either in England or in Scotland making elopement to Gretna redundant.
 
Mrs Tiggy Winkle said:
That's a real shame Miss Bramble! I see you've nibbled a heart shape in the wall of your cottage, so maybe in your hidden heart's desire, you really do want to get together with Delectable Dave?

P.S. Dave is behind the times, you no longer have to elope to Gretna. The marriage laws got changed either in England or in Scotland making elopement to Gretna redundant.
Click to expand...
English marriage law was changed a few years ago so it is now more in line with Scottish law. Still not as flexible as it could be
 
The hooman reads musty smelling books that don't look edible and she was telling me about marriage in the hooman world. I think she might be twisted as she said something about marrying youngsters, first cousins and multiple partners like it was a bad thing - that's normal in my world! Anyway, it seemed like Gretna was a place where I could find all these wonderful ladies.

Since we got back from the doctors yesterday, I haven't been myself. The hooman is quite worried about me and has been spoon feeding me warm mushy aniseed food. She doesn't understand and thinks I may be upset because we lost one of the scary oldies while I was at the doctors. I reserve the right to be temperamental!
 
Hello everyone, the hoomans are withholding the yummy mushy food as apparently I'm getting chunkier!

Despite this minor setback, I think I may have good news on finding myself a companion although it all depends on my neighbours getting over their health problems.

Emmeline has been diagnosed with a respiratory infection but she has no symptoms other than she looks like she is pulsing and her top right incisor is starting to grow out of alignment. The hooman isn't happy with the doctor recommending 5 days of Metacam and 3 days of nebulising once a day for 15 minutes with F10 as it's not having any effect, cue much muttering about second opinions from her.

Oldie Mags has what looks like a food pocket under her top lip which affects her appetite but the doctor can't find anything wrong. I think this is a cunning plot to store food so her sister can't eat it.

Once the ladies are sorted, I'll be off to Coseley Rescue to find myself a wifepig or two :D
 
Merab said:
English marriage law was changed a few years ago so it is now more in line with Scottish law. Still not as flexible as it could be
Click to expand...
I see Scots marriage law was changed in 2023 to disallow under 18's resident in England & Wales marrying in Scotland, so still no use in Lonely Delectable Dave heading to Gretna.

Apparently it can be easier to get married in Denmark than some other places like Germany, and Denmark begins with a D like Delectable Dave. otoh it would mean more awkward travelling especially since Dave objected to going as far as Gretna iirc. Maybe in hooman years Dave is 18 anyway? Can stay in England for his nuptials?
 
Countrylass said:
Oldie Mags has what looks like a food pocket under her top lip which affects her appetite but the doctor can't find anything wrong. I think this is a cunning plot to store food so her sister can't eat it.

Once the ladies are sorted, I'll be off to Coseley Rescue to find myself a wifepig or two :D
Click to expand...
Sounds as if Oldie Mags is indeed quite cunning! Good for her.

Good luck at Coseley Rescue! What a relief, you don't have to travel far and wide!
 
Mrs Tiggy Winkle said:
I see Scots marriage law was changed in 2023 to disallow under 18's resident in England & Wales marrying in Scotland, so still no use in Lonely Delectable Dave heading to Gretna.

Apparently it can be easier to get married in Denmark than some other places like Germany, and Denmark begins with a D like Delectable Dave. otoh it would mean more awkward travelling especially since Dave objected to going as far as Gretna iirc. Maybe in hooman years Dave is 18 anyway? Can stay in England for his nuptials?
Click to expand...
The hooman said I'm nearly old enough to stay in England to get married. I think she just doesn't want to travel to Denmark, something about being travel sick on boats, coaches and planes. There's too much of a risk of me being dropped or handed to a stranger to hold while she ran to the facilities.
 
That makes sense, Dave, because you see hoomans don't like to randomly drop bodily waste around the place, unlike guineas, so yeah a mad dash to the facilities might endanger your life! We wouldn't want that, would we? Good to hear you're almost old enough to get married in England. Much easier than traipsing across the English Channel or even 'just' heading to Gretna.
 
The hooman has to use something called "sat nav" to go to places she's been before so I'm not sure I'd actually reach Gretna plus she likes to argue with the instructions (she reckons the sat nav sounds drunk). Hoomans seem to be poorly designed compared to us guinea pigs - only using two legs instead of four must cause balance issues, poor sense of smell, untidy poos which can't be dropped as they walk and a lack of appreciation for a diet high in hay / grass fibre to keep those digestive systems working at maximum output.
 
Dave, don't you argue with instructions too sometimes? I mean surely you sometimes have things to say about what your slave tells you like when she is clipping your claws?

But otherwise I agree totally, we hoomans are quite badly designed. Don't ask us hoo-women about 'bad time of the month' either. Walking on two legs is more effort too, with gravity and all that, especially walking up hills. And yeah, you're right our poos are very untidy, smelly too, can't just drop out while we're walking so we throw up out front as your slave would do on a ferry crossing, which is not something guineas need to do at all afaik. Plus, our teeth aren't really made for hay. A pity because good hay smells so delectable.
 
I don't argue as the hooman is selectively deaf , I just tell the hooman - enough! through movement or nibble her - when she is bothering my nails, ears or body in general (she keeps feeling my bottom). My hooman is even more badly designed - she is allergic to hay, especially the really yummy ones as they smell too perfumey apparently.

I was left on my lonesome Thursday as my neighbours went to the doctors. The hooman said if I'm going to talk about them, I need to introduce them properly so here goes:

The scary oldies, Mags and her sister Jazz:

20230114_184533[1].webp

Mags was given the all clear for her mouth food pocket issues. The hooman needs to keep an eye on it just in case it ever does become infected.

Here's Audrey, Taz and the late Ruby:

20240611_211623[1].webp

Taz is on Metacam for 7 days to see if that fixes the lingering issues he has with some foods since his dental burring.

This is Taz when the hooman says things like "that is just porn" and then takes a photo anyway (she is obsessed by what she calls "one in the pot"):

20240719_110659[1].webp

Finally here is Emmeline who has been given a 7 day course of antibiotics to see if that helps her breathing (she has been the victim of another dodgy haircut from the hooman who insists that she needs to see Emmeline's eyes):

20250208_153625[1].webp
 
Hello Dave,

I'm a single hunk named Kongo. My slave thinks I might be the biggest pig on this forum with my 1744g and that might be the reason I live alone, and maybe the fact I really dont know how to socialize in a "normal piggyway".

IMG_20241124_122758.webp

I have a neighbour named Joe Exotic. He is a tooth-fairy and had just started to land after a very difficult month. We use to gossip between the bars and sometimes share parsley. I think he's very small, just around 1220g after this last tooth-ordeal (normally around 1300). I like his hair and have taste it between the bars many times. But I seriously way everything I shouldnt, like Oreo vanilla (or vanilla cakes in general). Joe thinks hay is a snack right now. Boring.

IMG_20210704_002900.webp
This is Joe. No filter added. He looks like that!

Yours siencerely, Kongo
 
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