Guilt and regret

Lymaine

Lymaine

Junior Guinea Pig
Joined
Jul 4, 2017
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Location
Denbighshire
My little Norman has been poorly for at least two weeks.. possibly more but we were away so I don’t know for certain. When we came home I thought he felt thin so I weighed him and realised he had lost 200g. Took him to the vets and long story short, after x-rays it seemed he had a stone that was causing pain in his caudal abdomen. He was on pain meds and meds to stimulate his belly as he wasn’t eating. He then developed a URI so I called them and got baytril. He was also on critical care. He continued to lose weight and wasn’t interested in his hay, nuggets or any veg other than lettuce. He would fight me over the CC not wanting it. I didn’t know what to do for best so today I took him to vets again expecting them to DO SOMETHING. Basically they’re not an exotics and the nearest one is miles away. He said Norman was very skinny and did I want to pts.
I felt rushed (I don’t think he meant to rush me because he left the room twice for me to have some time) and basically I was told there’s nothing else they could do there. The thing is Norman had had a good day.. he’d eaten some hay and even his cookie that I put in with pellets.. but he had been back and forth, good day.. really bad day.. weight dropping, weight back up a bit.. then down again.. so I never knew if he was on the up or not. He’d eventually gone from 2,400 a month ago (he liked food!) to 1,047. I agreed to let him be pts because they said they couldn’t do anything and I didn’t want to take him miles in the car to this other vet I’ve never been to and stress him out more.

BUT he’d been on a good day and he was reaching up and sniffing at me. I feel so guilty. I feel I let him down. I thought they were going to give him more pain meds, stimulate his belly more.. SUGGEST something! I wasn’t prepared for that today and I feel maybe I should have said no. I am torturing myself. I had another pig a few years ago who had constant sludge issues and had it removed just to come back a week later. He was crying in pain when weeing and I was scared of that happening to Norman. Norman’s poops were small and scarce and he sometimes cried whilst pooping but I’d upped his pain meds and he was not crying anymore.

Did I do it too soon? I feel so awful. He was having a good day and I was blindsided. I didn’t expect that and I haven’t eaten or moved since getting home hours ago. I’m just crying. I had a major panic attack in the vets and I can’t see how I’m going to get through this one because the guilt is just horrendous. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sorry my baby Norman. I’m so sorry I failed you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t fix you. I love you my baby boy.

Please please don’t talk about the rainbow bridge.. I don’t take any comfort in it because I don’t believe in it. I’m sorry but please don’t. I can’t read about that.
 
So very sorry for your loss and especially the way you feel things were handled.
You grieve because you loved Norman so much and your feelings are perfectly understandable and natural.
Be gentle with yourself as you grieve.
Holding you in my heart ♥️
 
Thank you. On one hand I feel I let myself be bullied into a decision I wasn’t ready to make but on the other I know he wasn’t getting better and I’d been terrified of him suddenly going into a lot of pain and dying when I wasn’t there to help him so I knew this would be the likely outcome at some point but I didn’t think it would be so quick. He seemed to have had a better day so I wasn’t expecting this but I also know I had given him more pain meds so maybe that was why and he was dramatically up and down from one day to the next. He’d not been good at all this morning, refusing to leave his bed or eat but then picked up this afternoon.. I expected advice and just more to be done.. I didn’t expect this but I also know how skinny he’d gone even though I’d been doing 60ml CC and had bought different hays and forage to tempt him. Nothing seemed to be working.. well.. it would work one day and not the next.

I have severe mental health problems so no matter what the outcome I know I’d be a mess but I just can’t help feeling I let him down and I didn’t do enough. I loved him so much and I’m so devastated. He was reaching up to kiss me at the vets when I was crying and I feel like I betrayed him and didn’t do enough. I can’t stop going round in circles of shock and guilt and searing pain
 
He’d eventually gone from 2,400 a month ago (he liked food!) to 1,047.


EDIT - I just realised I typed this wrong.. he was originally 1,439 exactly a month ago.. thought I should edit in case anyone thought I’d over fed him
 
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs ❤️
 
If you have access to the Blue Cross they run a bereavement service for people who have lost their beloved pets.
Sometimes sitting and talking to someone face to face can be very helpful
 
So sorry you have been through this, it sounds extremely traumatic.

As caring owners, I think we always end up second guessing ourselves in these terrible situations - I know I do anyway. What if I’d done this, what if I’d not done that? It’s absolute torture. If you had taken him home and he had suffered more, you’d be feeling awful in a different way too. It sounds like he was contending with some difficult health issues despite yours and the vets best efforts. I don’t imagine the vets would suggest putting him to sleep unless they felt that was a suitable and compassionate option based on the information available to you all. It’s always impossible to know for sure what is the best thing to do in these awful situations, because we sadly don’t have a crystal ball, and in reality, there isn’t usually a right or wrong answer anyway. But what you do know for sure now is that Norman is not suffering. That counts for something important. And you also know that you gave him so much love and care. Those are certainties that you can hold on to as you grieve this painful loss. He knew he was loved. I know it doesn’t make it easier to say goodbye, but it is clear from reading this how much you loved and cared for him. You didn’t let him down. Please don’t think that. Take care as you grieve.
 
It is possible that the vet was concerned about pain control and like yourself the possibility of an acute episode of extreme pain. It sounds like the health conditions were converging and that they were becoming terminal very sadly. It is terribly difficult, unbearably difficult to see someone as perfect as one of our beautiful loved and cherished pets deteriorating before our eyes. The more vulnerable they become the more they awaken the instinct to care for and to protect them. It is a very difficult situation to be in and I think anyone in this situation reaches out for help and support. Resolving these conflicting issues is difficult. It is very sad and painful to lose someone you have cared about so very much. You cared for Norman with great tenderness and I am sure he appreciated the comfort you gave him. With such overwhelming health issues, the body becomes tired. He rallied because you were there but it is possible that he was already weary of pain and illness. It's hard to say. Making that decision for another being, a loved pet, is also a very difficult, conflicted thing to do. I hope that you feel peace about this in time 🕯️
 
Thank you so much for your kind words all. I really needed to hear from others who love guinea pigs as much as I do. Most people think “it’s just a guinea pig” but as we know they are SO much more. They are little beautiful furry personalities that make us laugh, cry and say “what on earth are you doing now?!” 15 times a day!

My brain is attacking me viciously so I really truly appreciate those that have taken the time to respond. It really does help talking to other pig parents. Thank you:
 
Lymaine said:
I have severe mental health problems so no matter what the outcome I know I’d be a mess but I just can’t help feeling I let him down and I didn’t do enough. I loved him so much and I’m so devastated. He was reaching up to kiss me at the vets when I was crying and I feel like I betrayed him and didn’t do enough. I can’t stop going round in circles of shock and guilt and searing pain
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As others have said, even without mental health problems piggy parents tend to guilt when our piggies pass. I too have pretty severe mental health problems. I had piggies for years (haven't now for 2.5 years) and usually I felt as if I'd let them down somehow, didn't do enough, couldn't do enough (due to affects of cptsd and anxiety on me).

It's so sweet how he reached up to kiss you at the vet's. But poignant. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I had a few piggies who wheeked quietly on the vet's examining table just before they were pts :( That felt terrible to me too, like I betrayed them, for not responding, for not picking them up and giving them more time.

I hope you can move out of the shock and lay the guilty feelings aside. Feeling guilty doesn't mean you are guilty. The pain will lessen in time. Sending virtual hugs.
 
Mrs Tiggy Winkle said:
As others have said, even without mental health problems piggy parents tend to guilt when our piggies pass. I too have pretty severe mental health problems. I had piggies for years (haven't now for 2.5 years) and usually I felt as if I'd let them down somehow, didn't do enough, couldn't do enough (due to affects of cptsd and anxiety on me).

It's so sweet how he reached up to kiss you at the vet's. But poignant. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I had a few piggies who wheeked quietly on the vet's examining table just before they were pts :( That felt terrible to me too, like I betrayed them, for not responding, for not picking them up and giving them more time.

I hope you can move out of the shock and lay the guilty feelings aside. Feeling guilty doesn't mean you are guilty. The pain will lessen in time. Sending virtual hugs.
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Thank you so, so much. At the moment I am hoping Branston (my remaining piggy) will be ok alone. They lived separately next to each other as couldn’t live together. They rarely interacted but would reach up to look at each other sometimes and obviously they could see and smell each other. This passing has hurt me far too much, I can’t cope with the idea of another. I don’t want any more after Branston goes, at least for a long time. It breaks my heart too much and I can’t cope with it when they go. My feelings of guilt and grief are vicious. I am just constantly questioning myself and my mental health has deteriorated rapidly since Norman got ill… now it is on the floor that he is gone. I don’t know what to do..

Branston has always been more of a “people pig” .. he could never get on with the herd he came from or Norman but I am keeping a close eye on him for signs of sadness or loneliness. At the moment, I think he’s ok.. a bit sad perhaps but no weight changes or lack of eating/behaviour changes.

How did you stop having piggies? I feel like it’s a continuous cycle because you always end up having to get a new companion. That’s how I ended up with both of them and neither could live with each other!
 
A lot of people ask rescues if they can foster a piggy and then if the first pig passes, the foster pig returns to the rescue. It might suit your situation. It depends on what rescues you have locally.
 
Truffolo said:
A lot of people ask rescues if they can foster a piggy and then if the first pig passes, the foster pig returns to the rescue. It might suit your situation. It depends on what rescues you have locally.
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That’s a very good idea. I will look into it but knowing me I’d get attached and end up adopting! But it’s certainly worth looking into
 
Lymaine said:
How did you stop having piggies? I feel like it’s a continuous cycle because you always end up having to get a new companion. That’s how I ended up with both of them and neither could live with each other!
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Basically what @Truffolo suggested. It's become quite common in Germany, there's even a word for a guinea like that: Leihmeerschweinchen - 'guinea pig on loan'.

Due to my own mental health problems, I suffer a lot of exhaustion, complete and utter exhaustion. After almost 20 years of being piggie mama, I decided to at least take a break. I'm sure I must have had two oldies who passed on within a short time of each other and I had a third guinea who certainly came from the local rescue, tho I can't remember if she was 'on loan' or not. I remember she was having paw problems, approaching bumble foot, and the rescue took her back to heal her feet, then they ended up keeping her in their own group because their children fell in love with her.

A few years later, along came Covid, and I decided to look for some rescue piggies because it was unclear at that point how long the Covid restrictions were going to last and I wanted some company. I found a bonded trio that needed a new home and kept them beyond Covid, I kept them till one by one they died, tho after the first one - my neutered boar - died, I got a neutered boar 'on loan'. I think I had him for about a year, till both elderly ladies died. Then he went straight back to the rescue. Had I decided I wanted to continue keeping guineas I would have been able to keep him and adopt another from the rescue and give them both a forever home, but I was only just managing to hold it together, so it was clear to me I had to stop. I do miss having guineas but I got to the point where I was often getting behind in caring for them properly, like cleaning out their massive accommodation, keeping up with guinea laundry not to mention weekly checks and any medication or syringe feeding. I was ready to end keeping piggies. Since then I've piggie-sat once, for about a week.

Lymaine said:
This passing has hurt me far too much, I can’t cope with the idea of another. I don’t want any more after Branston goes, at least for a long time. It breaks my heart too much and I can’t cope with it when they go.
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That's what I felt often enough too plus a terrible wrenching pain. I'm in fairly continuous psychotherapy including trauma therapy and that has helped reduce the emotional pain of losing my piggies and/or not being able to save them, tho the therapy has not been about guinea pigs but rather my past, my childhood. That may not be relevant to your case at all though.

Lymaine said:
My feelings of guilt and grief are vicious. I am just constantly questioning myself and my mental health has deteriorated rapidly since Norman got ill… now it is on the floor that he is gone. I don’t know what to do..
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Please be gentle with yourself, as much as that is possible for you. And give yourself time.

There's this possibility:
Merab said:
If you have access to the Blue Cross they run a bereavement service for people who have lost their beloved pets.
Sometimes sitting and talking to someone face to face can be very helpful
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There might also be some useful information in here for you: Human Bereavement: Grieving, Processing and Support Links for Guinea Pig Owners and Their Children Please ignore any possible references to rainbow bridge.
 
I'm so sorry to hear about Norman, RIP baby. this must be so hard for you, but you did everything you could and like you say he was so up and down you could have kept him going and the next day he could have been even worse. I'm currently struggling with my girl della who had bladder stone removal on the 10th, shes been so up and down since, thought we was going to loose her multiple times but she is a fighter! she wont currently eat a lot of hay, but she will have everything else.. is that her giving up or does she just need the boost? I'm constantly questioning myself, what is the right thing to do? its so hard, soso hard, so i really do sympathise. we are all here for you, please reach out if you need to. just remember you did everything you could, he loves and appreciates you so much x
 
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