I need help over the loss of one of my guinea pigs

[Laurenchappell]

Hi firstly I apologise for my punctuation and spelling its something I struggle with.

So Thursday morning around 9.31am my baby cookie was put to sleep.

I am broken beyond words I've honestly never cried so much in my life. I haven't ate since, I feel sick, I can see my heart beating through my clothing. I feel like my whole world has come crashing down.

3 guinea pigs and all 3 are rescues but cookie and anakin were rescued from the same place a rescue centre I was told they were rescued from a hoarder, missing bits from there ears from some animal attacking them and cookie even had a cut on his nose which healed after I took him home.

I was told they were around 8 months old when I got them in December last year, so I've not had them long and both are very young.

Cookie stopped eating and was poorly so I took him to the vets and they have me medication for him for a week, he started picking back up and was eating again, but his head was tilting still a little and he still had green puss and build up in one ear which I tried to get out daily but could never get it all out.

I assumed he was going to be ok. Even my son who is 13 kept telling me he's not ok but I carried on as normal.

A few days ago one of the other pigs bumped Into him and his reaction was awful he was rolling around back and forth and couldn't get up and was making sounds, I picked him up and he kept jolting. I called the vets and took him straight In they gave me pain relief and Friday afternoon he went all sluggish hardly moving and breathing heavier I covered him to try and make him comfortable and just kept my eye on him moving him away from the others so they didn't jump on him (they could see him but not get to him)

He got worse he couldn't move and couldn't stand up he was trying with his back legs but just falling and bumping. I could see his body going up and down and he felt warm.

I put him on my chest and stayed there for some time. Again my son was telling me to call the vets and I have no idea why but I said I will in the morning when their normal opening times start at 8am which i did.

I took him in and waved my child of to school first day back before going to the vets. I remember in the waiting room panicking but I dont no if I knew what was coming or not maybe subconsciously or I was indenail I dont no but as soon as I went in it was all over her face.

I should mention the women on the counter saw me stroking him inside his carrior telling him its ok and said I could bring him over she took him into the back ( I never saw him again never even got to say goodbye)

Not long after I was called in as I said it was all over her face. There is nothing more we can do we put him on the table for oxygen and he just layed there. I asked cant you give him more medication

I couldn't be with him because of something to do with the way they had to do it I'm assuming as he was so small the stuff wasn't safe for humans.

I was alone and in complete shock I left after signed what I needed to and being handed a leaflet to organise how i want to deal with his body.

I walked out towards the bus stop (we went in a taxi) slowly and trying to just breathe as tears just overwhelmed me.

I dont think they ever confirmed what was wrong but after research when he first got poorly I assumed respiratory which turned into an ear infection.

The guilt is killing me the guilt of not asking for more medication when the first week was over as I had read most people seem to get it for 2 weeks but I never questioned it.

And yes he was eating again but his ear was still full and his head was still tilting and my 13 even kept saying he's not ok and I kept shutting them down why!!

Guilt over the fact I Should have rang them right away that afternoon when he was suffering instead of waiting until the morning all those endless hours in pain and ill never no how much when it could have been an hour or so.

I feel evil

He didn't even look like cookie at that time all slumped unable to move.

I cant stop crying, I've had to call numerous helplines in an absolute state because the pain is so unbearable.

I've never experienced death even at 31 I was only around 12 when my grandad died and I dont remember

I knew they would all pass at some point but I never expected it so early on

I have bpd which makes my emotions so intense and I struggle to regulate them and severe anxiety.

I feel like I cant breathe myself from the sheer pain

I cant get his face out of my head and the images of those last hours and how bad he was.

I cant knock the guilt and wondering if he could talk would he have been saying why aren't you doing anything, mum it hurts so much please help me, I thought you loved me,

I've never felt pain like this. Panic attacks and feeling like I'm going to collapse because my baby has gone and ill never see him again.

I just want to go back in time and atleast get him to the vets right away to end that suffering faster

I dont no how I'm ever going to function

I miss him so much the place isn't the same without him. He is the personality the only one who wouldn't move when you went near him. Who would love getting under my duvet and sleeping

Cookie I'm so sorry and I love you sooo much

 

[Merab]

I am so very sorry for your loss.
First of all remember that you gave Cookie a second chance at life.
You gave him a wonderful life filled with love and care.
Guinea pigs live for today. You gave him lots of happy todays.

You say that you have a condition that means you feel emotions more intensely. That self awareness will help you to understand that, because grief is a powerful emotion, it will be hard on you.
Please believe that the initial rawness and intensity will pass.
Guilt and the ‘what if…’ s are a natural part of grieving.
You did everything possible for Cookie. Hold onto that.

In the Behaviour section of the forum is a thread dealing with human grief and offering some resources to help.

Grief is a process and it takes time so be gentle with yourself.

We understand the pain of losing beloved piggies and will be here to support you.

 

[Pound Shilling & Pig]

Hello, I am so sorry you have lost Cookie. Firstly, you are not evil. You are caring and compassionate. Guilt is a normal part of grieving. It sounds like Cookie had something wrong that could not have been fixed even if you had gone back to the vet sooner.
I have lost many pigs over the years and always feel guilt and question if there was something more/better/different i could have done. I know it doesn't feel like it now but the pain will get better.
Remember, you did take him to the vet and you did take him back and you did do all you could for him and you did believe he was getting better. Take time to grieve and be kind to yourself x

 

[Bill & Ted]

I am so sorry you lost Cookie, your little soulmate Please don’t think you are at all to blame and you are definitely not evil. You gave Cookie a wonderful happy life, filled with care and love. He will have known just how much he meant to you. In time you will be able to look back and rejoice that Cookie shared part of your life and enjoy your memories of him. In the meantime take great care of yourself and your son while you grieve x

 

[Laurenchappell]

Thank you but I cant get over the fact from 3pm maybe even earlier until 9.30am the next day he suffered so badly why did I wait all that time to take him to the vets I think I even called checked the closing times around 6pm and they close at 6pm so I didnt ring but I knew they did out of hours emergency. I just left it until 8am when there normal opening times started. I'll never no how much pain he was in for all those long hours and I could have put him out his misery before it even got that bad. I even left the room at one point for a few hours. I just cant understand my actions and I hate myself for it

 

[Merab]

Please don’t try to rush grief - it takes time.
What you are feeling is normal.

Perhaps you could try creating a memory book for Cookie.
Write down some of things you remember that made you smile, or laugh, or why he was well loved.
Add in photos any anything else you think of, for example his favourite food, or funny little quirks.

Doing this doesn’t immediately take away pain but it helps the process by refocusing the negative thoughts and so helps you work through the grief.

If you need someone to help talk things through the Blue Cross offer pet bereavement counselling.

 

[weepweeps]

I’m so sorry you have lost Cookie. I lost a piggy recently. While I was on holiday. I wasn’t there when he died and I feel really sad about that. But I know he was loved and I gave him an amazing life. I’m sure Cookie knew how much you loved him. You gave him a wonderful second chance in his forever home. Some illnesses take hold before you can fix them. Don’t feel bad. You did all you could. Vets, medication. Hind sight is a wonderful thing. Obviously if you had looked into the future you would of taken him sooner. But life’s not like that. If I could of looked to the future I wouldn’t of put my Percy through an operation if he was going to pass anyway. But I made decisions based on the now. As you did. Take care. Popcorn high over the bridge Cookie.

 

[h_and_piggies]

Sorry for your loss. Cookie was clearly very loved and you gave him a wonderful life. After each of my piggies died I went through a similar process of blaming myself that I didn’t do enough to save them. But it’s just part of the cycle of grief. Eventually those feelings become less, and instead of feeling like you’ve let Cookie down, you’ll remember more of the wonderful times you had together. Just like the other posters have said, be gentle with yourself right now. Sleep tight Cookie x

 

[Laurenchappell]

I am so very sorry for your loss.
First of all remember that you gave Cookie a second chance at life.
You gave him a wonderful life filled with love and care.
Guinea pigs live for today. You gave him lots of happy todays.

You say that you have a condition that means you feel emotions more intensely. That self awareness will help you to understand that, because grief is a powerful emotion, it will be hard on you.
Please believe that the initial rawness and intensity will pass.
Guilt and the ‘what if…’ s are a natural part of grieving.
You did everything possible for Cookie. Hold onto that.

In the Behaviour section of the forum is a thread dealing with human grief and offering some resources to help.

Grief is a process and it takes time so be gentle with yourself.

We understand the pain of losing beloved piggies and will be here to support you.

Thank you for your kind words but the reality is I didn't do everything possible for him. I waited until 8am to call the vets when he had been struggling all day,afternoon and evening he suffered all those long hours in I have no idea how much pain, I should have called the vets instantly and yes the same outcome would have happened but not only would he have suffered for less time but also not as intense as it got worse and worse. I cant forgive myself for that and I don't deserve to, it was cruel, it was evil and I can never say sorry I can never go back and undo it and I honestly don't even no why I did it x

 

[Wheekallweek]

Cookie would never think badly of you, I promise. They are innocent little creatures, Cookie would only have ever associated you with love and comfort.
Please be kind to yourself. It's so hard to lose a piggy friend. I think we all think we could have done more at some point, whether that is true or not what you did so you did with love x
RIP Cookie, safe over the Rainbow Bridge

 

[Ruth1]

We all make a miss call sometimes. I think the important thing to know is that he is not suffering any more, because you helped him. My own vet was telling me the other week that she regrets leaving her own dog for too long, before she helped him on his way. She couldn’t let him go. When my dog was younger, I missed signs of anal gland problems and her gland ended up bursting - the vet was actually quite cross with me for not noticing! None of these things are done on purpose and neither was yours. We aren’t robots and none of us are perfect. We are all just doing our best and we all get it wrong sometimes. Please forgive yourself. The wee piggy is at peace with it all behind him. Let yourself have some peace now