My guinea pig Pipa, was diagnosed with cancer and she has deteriorated greatly the last few days, to the point she doesn’t even use the bathroom anymore. I know she is in pain due to this, and it hurts when you move her. And not wanting her to suffer anymore I decided on euthanasia. But as I sit here with her a few hours before the appointment and she falls asleep on me and makes happy noises when she wakes up. I feel like I’m betraying her trust. Knowing that in a few hours she will be gone. I can have her on me for so long because she has no energy and can’t use the bathroom so it justifies what I’m doing. But I love her and she loves me and now I’m just overwhelmed. I don’t want her gone but I don’t want her in pain. I just feel guilty now.. if I truly loved her how could I do this to her. She’s my best friend. How can I organize my thoughts on this?
Hi and welcome!
Please take a deep breath, first and foremost. You have gone into full-on grieving, so your emotions are very conflicting between your head knowing that it is the right time to let go but your heart whispering that your piggy has still moments of content and that you yourself are not ready yet.
HUGS
Having to make the decision yourself and not having it taken out of your hands is one of the most heart-breaking and difficult decisions you will ever make. We all have feelings of guilt and failure at the onset of our grieving process; they are a part and parcel of being a loving owner. These feelings are much stronger when there is still a little wiggle room; I call this the grey zone in which it is not too early but also not too late to make the decision for you piggy, but we have each to make our own choice within that space of time. Sometimes it is a matter of days, of hours or even of weeks. You are in the 'matter of days' category.
If it is any consolation or confirmation for you, my own heart would go with
your head rather than with
your heart. I have been through this a number of times, sometimes a bit too late in hindsight and once a little bit earlier than strictly necessary when a specialist vet visit added up to a very unhappy total for a piggy struggling with the ongoing and continuing heat wave on top of all her other issues, including impending loss of mobility.
All I can say that your feelings of guilt will not get any less, just change in tone if you wait a bit too long in your very normal desire to not let go.
Please be strong for your beloved girl and spare it that horrible pain at the sharp end of cancer; she is already in pain and no longer able to live her life as you yourself want any piggy of yours to live. That is indeed the right time to make that decision, as much as you fear it and as much as you desire to keep her with you that little bit longer. It won't get any easier for you if you delay, sadly.
Let her go carried by the wings of your love before she starts suffering really badly. That is the biggest, most loving and most heart-breaking gift you can ever make.
I have lost my dad to very painful cancer; I would never want to put any living being through what he has been through just from my personal experience. The one thing I have learned from my dad's dying is that love is a wonderful thing; you can fill a mere moment with a lifetime's worth of it.
Give your little girl this unreserved love of yours
now, channel it into her and then let her fly filled with it to be free of pain and whole again. You are not failing her; you are indeed sparing her the worst. Please do not wait until you have to race her to the vet as an emergency to spare her every second of pain more... That is a can of worms you do not want to open!
It is a tightrope walk, and there are monsters in your mind on both sides. But take courage from having made your decision with your girl's welfare upmost in mind and use that as your guide across the emotional snake pit that awaits all of us who have to send our pets to the Rainbow Bridge, unless head and heart come hopefully back together again eventually.
There is nothing wrong with your judgement. You have just been surprised by the depth of your feelings and how hard it is to let go!
You may find these links here very helpful:
Human Bereavement - Grieving, coping tips and support links for guinea pig owners and their children
Looking After A Bereaved Guinea Pig
I am thinking of you in the coming hours.
