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Sehnsucht

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Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both
were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped
over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about
quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean
to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's
quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as
yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you
are, so at least you'll have that going for you.." "Oh, that would be
wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny,
and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears;
your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you
must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in
obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel
you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped
me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in
senior management"
 
Heres one for you :)

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh, ", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed twice more, tripped over the cat and farted.
 
does anyone have anymore, my jokes are a bit below the belt or too rude, had anyone got some that can be printed,?
 
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi
and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?'

'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about
all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back
to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy
biscuits.'

'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete d*ck
 
Words Women Use:

1) FINE:

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes:

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five
Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing :

This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually
end in
fine.

4) Go Ahead:

This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh:

This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about
nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That's OK
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.
That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how
and
when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks:

A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8) Whatever:

Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9) Don't worry about it, I got it:

Another dangerous statement, meaning this
is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now
doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's
wrong?";
for the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
LMAO ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D yep i've got those on my computer at work, err i get sent some very naughty ones sometimes ;D ;D ;D have a few mates that are into computers and get them from all over :o

Cavy Crazy me none the wiser either what all those letter are, can you let me know too ..... please awww darn it there's a few there i don't know :-\ :-\ maybe cause i'm in the dino era :-\ :-\
 
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not
up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can
I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one
more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of
the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.

11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light
bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
 
OK found another one for you:

If My Body Were a Car



If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches
in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not
the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as
sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat
cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts?

I gave up all belts when Crispy Creams opened a shop in my neighbourhood.!
Air bag's ?Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my
eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles
on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but
when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip
and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My
whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach
my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it...............
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator
leaks or my exhaust backfires!
 
;D PMFLSM (meaning P**sed / Myself/ From/ Laughing/ So/ Much). ;D The last one Glynis is brilliant. ;D ;D ;D
 
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