Loss of very attached pig hit differently

[Annagrogan]

I’m posting because I don’t know how I feel about the loss of my baby boy 2 days ago. He had molar overgrowth and after 2 surgeries, he was doing worse and worse. It got to the point where I had to make the excruciating decision to let him go (euthanasia). I sobbed my eyes out that day. Yesterday I felt numb upon waking up. I haven’t been able to cry. I had a massive panic attack but was frozen other than my hands which wouldn’t stop shaking all day yesterday. Everything seems distant like in a dream. I’ve also had GI issues since he started going downhill, cramps, nausea, etc. Riker was a rescue who had been terrible abused. I couldn’t touch him without teeth going through my hand when I first met him. He turned into the sweetest boar who would jump from the vet table onto my shoulder and not let go. I have scratch marks on my chest from trying to hand him over to the vet to put to sleep that absolutely crush my heart every time I look in the mirror. Has anyone else had a similar experience with grief where you feel like you’re watching yourself from the outside, and it feels like your brain shuts off every time you think of the loss? Yesterday I took off running in pouring rain and ended up home hours later drenched hoping to feel anything.. I felt guilt, shame, hopelessness, crushed, … and then just shut down..

 

[Freela]

I'm really, REALLY sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had such a special bond with Riker and he with you. We love them all, but some of them just hold a really, really special place in our hearts and those are the hardest to lose. I think a lot of us here have had to make the choice to euthanize a pet that we loved more than anything too... it's definitely such a hard decision to ever have to make and I know there were times when I knew positively, without a doubt that euthanasia was the best and only option that wouldn't lead to pointless suffering- and it still killed me inside to do it and I felt terrible, even though I knew it was the last gift I could give them.

This is still really fresh and I think that disconnection is sometimes the mind's way of protecting us when something is just so much to process. It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling, even if that's just numbness and disconnection. If there's anyone in your life who can be a shoulder to cry on or a supportive ear, reach out to them when you need to. If not (because sometimes others don't understand just how much we can love pets that aren't dogs or cats), people here certainly understand and will listen.

Maybe, when you're ready, make a tribute post to Riker on our Rainbow Bridge page... or pick a favorite picture and frame it where you can see it daily and remember happy times with him. And please remember, you have nothing to feel bad about or ashamed for. You took in a sad rescue piggie who was terrified of humans and taught him that he could have a safe, happy home with you. You took care of him when he was sick and, when you knew that he couldn't be well enough to have a pain-free normal piggie life, you helped him pass over in peaceful way. If he could, he would definitely thank you for everything you did for him, from the first day with you to the last day.

((HUGS)) and be kind to yourself while you grieve.

 

[Truffolo]

Very sorry to hear of your painful loss. It must have been extremely difficult giving him to the vet especially as he reacted to bring handed over. Persuading Riker to trust you took a long time and the last time you were together must have felt like a betrayal of all you had achieved together and the precious trust he had placed in you. It was impossible to explain that you were trying to spare him terrible pain. Old stresses arise in such moments and the heart is swamped in grief. You must have loved Riker a great deal to turn him around and allow him to be the sweet boar he became. That love is still alive in you and just as precious as ever. Rest easy at the bridge loving Riker, watch over your old friend and know that he misses you and loves you as much as ever

 

[Wiebke]

I’m posting because I don’t know how I feel about the loss of my baby boy 2 days ago. He had molar overgrowth and after 2 surgeries, he was doing worse and worse. It got to the point where I had to make the excruciating decision to let him go (euthanasia). I sobbed my eyes out that day. Yesterday I felt numb upon waking up. I haven’t been able to cry. I had a massive panic attack but was frozen other than my hands which wouldn’t stop shaking all day yesterday. Everything seems distant like in a dream. I’ve also had GI issues since he started going downhill, cramps, nausea, etc. Riker was a rescue who had been terrible abused. I couldn’t touch him without teeth going through my hand when I first met him. He turned into the sweetest boar who would jump from the vet table onto my shoulder and not let go. I have scratch marks on my chest from trying to hand him over to the vet to put to sleep that absolutely crush my heart every time I look in the mirror. Has anyone else had a similar experience with grief where you feel like you’re watching yourself from the outside, and it feels like your brain shuts off every time you think of the loss? Yesterday I took off running in pouring rain and ended up home hours later drenched hoping to feel anything.. I felt guilt, shame, hopelessness, crushed, … and then just shut down..

BIG HUGS

I am very sorry that you are having such a traumatic and physical response to your loss. Riker has obviously been very special to you and he would have known and appreciated your love and care. He was so lucky to find you and you are blessed to have found him, even though his loss is hitting you so hard right now.

The soul-searching/guilt loop is normal for the onset of the grieving process - it is an expression of how deeply you care and not that you have done anything wrong. We humans are unfortunately wired to reflect everything back onto ourselves.
Feeling numb is also not at all uncommon - it always takes a day or two for me to sink in fully. Until then I feel detached from reality; it is my (genetic) instinctive protection against trauma.
Depending on the death, a strong physical reaction can also happen. A piggy in heart failure keeling over on the examination table has left me literally shaking like a leaf on that occasion. The physical reaction is very individual.

Your reaction is just a lot stronger and more physical than average but it is still within the norm; just at the upper end. If you can contact a helpline, please do so; talking it out of yourself is the best you can do for yourself.

Please don't feel embarrassed. We all react very differently and differently with every single loss, depending on the bond and the circumstances of the death. Grieving is a lot more complex and unexpected than you would imagine. It's generally so not like just sitting down and bawling your eyes out and then you can happily get on with your life again. Occasionally, it can really hit you in a very physical way, whether that is feeling numb or mute or developing strong physical symptoms.

It is OK to not be OK for a little while but if you get stuck in a pernicious mind loop or your physical PTSD symptoms continue, please seek help. The sooner, the better so they cannot get worse and fester.

You may find this link here helpful. It explains ways on how we react to a loss and how the grieving process usually develops but it also contains a chapter on where to find help for some countries, including the USA: Human Bereavement: Grieving, Processing and Support Links for Guinea Pig Owners and Their Children

You may find watching this video here calming and relaxing: Rainbow bridge video I made, I hope it can bring some comfort to others

 

[GuineaDobbin]

Sadly I understand too well, saying goodbye to a heart pig is just... dreadful. It takes time to recover from, but recovery does come. When you are able to, I'm sure we would love to see Riker and hear his story. Was he named for Will Riker?