Greenbean,
I love you more than you could ever know. I hope you know how sorry I am.. I hope you know that I never ever ever meant for you to be in harm's way and I have done nothing for 8 days but lay in the same spot, crying for you, replaying the horrific scene. I cannot stop thinking about it.. I should have been with you. Our day should have been different. Looking back, everything should have been different. One single thing could have changed everything. You were all alone without me, trapped, losing life, without me. I could never explain how sorry I am.. how I wish it had been me instead of you.
Your loss has been the absolute, most profound, painful, devastating loss that I have ever known. I have never loved or needed or cared about anything or anyone the way I did you. I haven't been in my room since.. our room.. since. I have been sleeping with Gammy, knowing that I will never be ready to fall asleep alone and wake up alone, without you laying next to me in our bed like you always did. I miss your tiny paws trying to climb up me. I miss you running directly across my laptop keyboard and running over my arm and up my shoulder to get to your pillow. I miss making pasta, knowing that part of the reason I was doing it is because of you and your weird tomato based obsession. I miss turning around and seeing you curled up behind me. I miss watching you chomp down on all of your veggies and hay, getting dark green lettuce stains absolutely everywhere. I miss you purring as you walked by my feet. I miss waking up to find you laying under our blanket, laying up against my legs as you try to get to sleep. I miss watching you curl up in your fleece blanket, making little tiny squeaking noises every time you would move just ever so slightly. I miss watching you run to me whenever you could feel my presence. I miss watching you sniff the air. I miss you being the best and only part of my entire day. You are still my entire day, just in a heartwrenching, agonizing way that I wish could be erased.
You saved my life. I saw you in all that I did. Everything had meaning because of you. Everything that I did was because of you. You were supposed to be here.. we were supposed to lay under the Christmas tree together and open our presents together. What once was a place filled with pure joy and innocence and happiness, in the wake of your loss, has become nothing but a cold, empty, tear filled vessel for my body in which time ticks by until I meet you again.
Greenbean, you are my everything. You are my best friend. You are my baby. You are my son. You are my soulmate. You are everything that was finally right in my life. You were the only light I knew, and our love and our bond will never be extinguished.
Please give me a sign Greenbean. Please let me know that you are here with me. Please don't leave me. Please sit and lay by me always. Please come back. I need you Greenbean. You were my other half and my reason to live.
I will never again love anything or anyone the way that I loved you. You will always be the only thing that ever could make me whole.
I love you so so much Greenbean..
I'll see you soon
I love you more than you could ever know. I hope you know how sorry I am.. I hope you know that I never ever ever meant for you to be in harm's way and I have done nothing for 8 days but lay in the same spot, crying for you, replaying the horrific scene. I cannot stop thinking about it.. I should have been with you. Our day should have been different. Looking back, everything should have been different. One single thing could have changed everything. You were all alone without me, trapped, losing life, without me. I could never explain how sorry I am.. how I wish it had been me instead of you.
Your loss has been the absolute, most profound, painful, devastating loss that I have ever known. I have never loved or needed or cared about anything or anyone the way I did you. I haven't been in my room since.. our room.. since. I have been sleeping with Gammy, knowing that I will never be ready to fall asleep alone and wake up alone, without you laying next to me in our bed like you always did. I miss your tiny paws trying to climb up me. I miss you running directly across my laptop keyboard and running over my arm and up my shoulder to get to your pillow. I miss making pasta, knowing that part of the reason I was doing it is because of you and your weird tomato based obsession. I miss turning around and seeing you curled up behind me. I miss watching you chomp down on all of your veggies and hay, getting dark green lettuce stains absolutely everywhere. I miss you purring as you walked by my feet. I miss waking up to find you laying under our blanket, laying up against my legs as you try to get to sleep. I miss watching you curl up in your fleece blanket, making little tiny squeaking noises every time you would move just ever so slightly. I miss watching you run to me whenever you could feel my presence. I miss watching you sniff the air. I miss you being the best and only part of my entire day. You are still my entire day, just in a heartwrenching, agonizing way that I wish could be erased.
You saved my life. I saw you in all that I did. Everything had meaning because of you. Everything that I did was because of you. You were supposed to be here.. we were supposed to lay under the Christmas tree together and open our presents together. What once was a place filled with pure joy and innocence and happiness, in the wake of your loss, has become nothing but a cold, empty, tear filled vessel for my body in which time ticks by until I meet you again.
Greenbean, you are my everything. You are my best friend. You are my baby. You are my son. You are my soulmate. You are everything that was finally right in my life. You were the only light I knew, and our love and our bond will never be extinguished.
Please give me a sign Greenbean. Please let me know that you are here with me. Please don't leave me. Please sit and lay by me always. Please come back. I need you Greenbean. You were my other half and my reason to live.
I will never again love anything or anyone the way that I loved you. You will always be the only thing that ever could make me whole.
I love you so so much Greenbean..
I'll see you soon
please do seek professional help xx