Peanut, I'm So Sorry I Was A Horrible Mommy

[Rochester Piggy]

December 5th, 2016

I wish I would have been a better mommy

I have so many regrets

I can't believe I didn't spot you had pneumonia.

If I did, maybe you would still be alive with me and Cali instead of across the rainbow bridge lost, alone, scared, cold, hungry, and thirsty.

Every night I pray, I tell god to care for you and nurture you, but he doesn't listen.

As you can imagine, I'm weeping and my whole body is shaking. I can barely type. Thank goodness for auto correct (for once)!

My dear, your grave is gorgeous. Me and Pig Dad made a stepping stone, and I put it over where we buried you. I planted flowers around it, and Pig Grandma gave me a birdbath, which I put next to the grave. I won't let Big Dog near your grave so she won't dig you up.

I can't believe I'll never see you again.

I'm so sorry from the bottom of my heart.

I don't deserve to own guinea pigs

I am the worst piggy mum in the world.

 

[Flutterby]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself, you did nothing wrong. Piggies hide illness so well and can succumb very quickly. Huge hugs. Rest in peace little one. xx

 

[Tiamolly123]

Don't be silly you do deserve to being a piggy mum.
You have been grieving for to long. You need to go to an animal counselling services.
You can't let things continue like this, you have to move on for your sake & your boyfriend.
You loved & lost its heart rending, but you must move on.
I lost Molly just before Christmas & I desperately miss her, but I can talk about it now & remember her funny ways. If you don't go to the counselling you could end up losing everything. Your job, your boyfriend. Go to counselling, I can't say it enough. Wiebke I think knows were you can find one.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but you really need to sort it.
Hugs

 

[Rochester Piggy]

Don't be silly you do deserve to being a piggy mum.
You have been grieving for to long. You need to go to an animal counselling services.
You can't let things continue like this, you have to move on for your sake & your boyfriend.
You loved & lost its heart rending, but you must move on.
I lost Molly just before Christmas & I desperately miss her, but I can talk about it now & remember her funny ways. If you don't go to the counselling you could end up losing everything. Your job, your boyfriend. Go to counselling, I can't say it enough. Wiebke I think knows were you can find one.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but you really need to sort it.
Hugs

If I get any more responses like this, I am leaving this forum permanently. And don't you call Peanut an "it".

 

[Flutterby]

If I get any more responses like this, I am leaving this forum permanently. And don't you call Peanut an "it".

@Rochester Piggy I am sure that @Tiamolly123 meant it well and only to give advice on how you can find help to cope with your grief. Grief is a terrible thing and sometimes it helps to speak to someone.

 

[Rochester Piggy]

I'm leaving

 

[Flutterby]

I'm so sorry your feel that way. We only want to support you.

 

[sport_billy]

If I get any more responses like this, I am leaving this forum permanently. And don't you call Peanut an "it".

Rochester piggy you have a pm.....

 

[Rochester Piggy]

Rochester piggy you have a pm.....

From you? I'm sorry about this mess, I'm just very sensitive at the moment. I'm not like this most of the time.

 

[sport_billy]

Yes, from me.

No need to apologise. Tiamolly has not said anything I would consider out of line. She did not call Peanut 'It' in her post and was trying to be sympathetic and helpful

 

[Wiebke]

Pneumococcal or bacterial pneumonia can develop very quickly, out of the blue and too fast for meds to kick in. You have not failed Peanut; you have simply come up against one of these things that we are helpless against. You are one of any number of caring, dedicated, alert and experienced members who this has happened to; you are not the only one. IT HAS HAPPENED TO OTHER GOOD OWNERS, NOT JUST YOU.

What Peanut got was unfortunately one of the things we all dread. It has NOTHING to do with you failing your beloved one! Blame the illness, moan about the fact that vet care for guinea pigs, as many advances as it has made in the last few years, is still very limited. YOU CANNOT TREAT WHAT IS COMING UP TOO QUICKLY FOR MEDS TO KICK IN. Guinea pigs can literally develop full-blown pneumonia within a matter of hours and die even if they are seen as an emergency. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
We all wish we could protect our piggies and our children, family and friends from anything untowards. Sadly, life is not like that. You simply cannot choose how, when or what from a beloved one dies.

Please do not blame yourself for what you cannot not be blamed for. You will always carry Peanut's death with you to some extent, but it should not consume you and it should not destroy all the good and joy you had with Peanut.

Please seek help from somebody who is trained; not being able to process what has happened and to put it in a wider perspective is going to eat you up, as you cannot let go. Please get help to get you out of a blind alley you have got stuck in. It is normal to feel guilt when somebody in your care has died or been severely injured. But it should not get that bad and this phase of the grieving process should pass.

I know that as often as we tell you to not blame yourself, your mind is currently refusing to hear the message and cannot accept it because your emotions keep telling you otherwise.

That is why you need better qualified help right now, from somebody who can listen and who is trained for it, as none of us are, or it is going to get only worse. For the sake of Peanut's memory, please get help NOW.
Here is a list of pet bereavement services. It is a recognised mental condition that can happen to anybody, but those who already struggle with anxiety and control issues are at greater risk because losing a beloved pet is the very embodiment of loss of control in the extreme.
SupportLine - Problems: Pet Bereavement: Advice, support and information

 

[Rochester Piggy]

Pneumococcal or bacterial pneumonia can develop very quickly, out of the blue and too fast for meds to kick in. You have not failed Peanut; you have simply come up against one of these things that we are helpless against. You are one of any number of experienced, caring, dedicated and alert members who this has happened to; you are not the only one. IT HAS HAPPENED TO OTHER GOOD OWNERS, NOT JUST YOU.

What Peanut got was unfortunately one of the things we all dread. It has NOTHING to do with you failing your beloved one! Blame the illness, moan about the fact that vet care for guinea pigs, as many advances as it has made in the last few years, is still very limited. YOU CANNOT TREAT WHAT IS NOT THERE AND COMING UP TOO QUICKLY FOR MEDS TO KICK IN. Guinea pigs can literally develop full-blown pneumonia within a matter of hours and die even if they are seen as an emergency. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
We all wish we could protect our piggies and our children, family and friends from anything untowards. Sadly, life is not like that. You simply cannot choose how, when or what from a beloved one dies.

Please do not blame yourself for what you cannot not be blamed for. You will always carry Peanut's death with you to some extent, but it should not consume you and it should not destroy all the good and joy you had with Peanut.

Please seek help from somebody who is trained; not being able to process what has happened and to put it in a wider perspective is going to eat you up, as you cannot let go. Please get help to get you out of a blind alley to have got stuck in. It is normal to feel guilt when somebody in your care has died or been severely injured. But it should not get that bad and this phase of the grieving process should pass.

I know that as often as we tell you to not blame yourself, your mind is currently refusing to hear the message and cannot accept it.

That is why you need better qualified help right now, from somebody who can listen and who is trained for it, as none of us are, or it is going to get only worse. For the sake of Peanut's memory, please get help NOW.
Here is a list of pet bereavement services. It is a recognised mental condition that can happen to anybody, but those who already struggle with anxiety and control issues are at greater risk because losing a beloved pet is the very embodiment of loss of control in the extreme.
SupportLine - Problems: Pet Bereavement: Advice, support and information

Hmm, I'm not sure if I need bereavement services. Some days I miss her a lot though, but lots of people have that. It only starts when I think about her for a long time. Luckily that's something I can control.

 

[BossHogg]

I lost my Rebel in a matter of hours after contracting pneumonia, he was rushed promptly to the vet and received emergency treatment but couldn't be saved, he was only 3. We are all caring loving owners on here and support each other to the ends of the earth and back again. I read what TM123 wrote, she didn't refer to peanut as an it, she referred to bereavement counselling to sort it, ie your feelings. We all feel your loss, we've all been there numerous times.

 

[Rochester Piggy]

I lost my Rebel in a matter of hours after contracting pneumonia, he was rushed promptly to the vet and received emergency treatment but couldn't be saved, he was only 3. We are all caring loving owners on here and support each other to the ends of the earth and back again. I read what TM123 wrote, she didn't refer to peanut as an it, she referred to bereavement counselling to sort it, ie your feelings. We all feel your loss, we've all been there numerous times.

Thank you Boss

 

[Wiebke]

Hmm, I'm not sure if I need bereavement services. Some days I miss her a lot though.

You will find that having somebody to simply listen is going a long way to help you unburden yourself. if you find that you are very touchy on a certain subject, then it usually means that something is not right. You generally know it deep down, but are not quite ready yet to admit it to yourself.

You will find that just talking about what bothers you with somebody who won't take anything amiss, but fully understands what you are up against is actually a real relief and helps to take away the explosive bit of the pressure cooker or the internal emotional meat grinder inside you.

Suggesting you may want to get support is always something you instinctively draw back from at first; that is perfectly normal. Who wants to be told they may need trained help?
But all those forum members that have actually tried it have come back much more at peace with themselves and have posted that it has really helped them. The free support lines are not formal help you need to sign up for and be put on a waiting list; they are there to access as and whenever. They are specifically open for anybody who carries the pain of the loss or the guilt over a loss with them and struggles to move under that burden on their own.

You get help for a bad tummy upset that is not going away. Getting help for an tummy upset in your soul should rate the same consideration.

Life is not about being strong on your own. It is about making it through the dark times using whatever support and help you can get, so you can come out on the other side stronger. I have my places where I get support whenever I need it so I can be there for others whenever they need it.

I have lost piggies myself in circumstances I will always feel bad about - one of them is my Angharad I just lost the other week because she hid her problem so well until it was too late despite my safeguards. You can't avoid that as a long time pet owner. I am still pretty upset about losing her the way I did right now. But I am not going on guilt binge over it, as I know I have done what is reasonable, and whatever it is must have come on and got worse pretty quickly.

Guilt loops can become a cage you get caught in or even actually hide yourself in. But you cannot open the cage door until you are able to accept what has been your fault and WHAT HAS NOT (and the latter can be the much harder part to accept!). You cannot change the past, but you can change the future. It doesn't mean making no mistakes, but means using your gained knowledge to the best for yourself and for others.

PS: I have sought professional help myself when I found it too much to handle my dad's terminal cancer and work going to hell in bucket with bells on at the same time. I did ask my gp for professional help when I found that I was sliding into an acute depression, and that was definitely not a place I wanted to be in!
There is no shame in it and it really helped me to have somebody uninvolved who talk to and to help me let off steam and work through all the grieving and frustration. They didn't tell me what to do; they were just there during a very tough time - but that was enough to get me through it without developing a full blown depression or needing medication, and as a result enable me to have the courage to take my life into a new direction. If I need to, I will do it again without hesitation.
A helpline is much less formal than that. It like a walk-in centre when you have badly sprained your foot or burned your hand. But it is just as effective for getting first aid for your soul.

You'll be amazed how far a little chat can go!

 

[Rochester Piggy]

You will find that having somebody to simply listen is going a long way to help you unburden yourself. if you find that you are very touchy on a certain subject, then it usually means that something is not right. You generally know it deep down, but not quite ready yet to admit it to yourself.

You will find that just talking about what bothers you with somebody who won't take anything amiss, but fully understands what you are up against is actually a real relief and helps to take away the explosive bit of the pressure cooker or the internal emotional meat grinder inside you.

Suggesting you may want to get support is always something you instinctively draw back from at first; that is perfectly normal. Who wants to be told they may need trained help?
But all those forum members that have actually tried it have come back much more at peace with themselves and have posted that it has really helped them. The free support lines are not formal help you need to sign up for and be put on a waiting list; they are there to access as and whenever. They are specifically open for anybody who carries the pain of the loss or the guilt over a loss with them and struggles to move under that burden on their own.

You get help for a bad tummy upset that is not going away. Getting help for an tummy upset in your soul should rate the same consideration.

Life is not about being strong on your own. It is about making it through the dark times using whatever support and help you can get, so you can come out on the other side stronger. I have my places where I get support whenever I need it so I can be there for others whenever they need it.

I have lost piggies myself in circumstances I will always feel bad about - one of them is my Angharad I just lost the other week because she hid her problem so well until it was too late despite my safe guards. You can't avoid that as a long time pet owner. I am still pretty upset about losing her the way I did.

Guilt loops can be a cage you get caught in or even actually hide yourself in. But you cannot open the cage door until you are able to accept what has been your fault and WHAT HAS NOT (and the latter can be the much harder to accept!). You cannot change the past, but you can change the future. It doesn't mean making no mistakes, but means using your gained knowledge to the best for yourself and for others.

PS: I have sought professional help myself when I found it too much to handle my dad's terminal cancer and work going to hell in bucket with bells on at the same time. I did ask my gp for professional help when I found that I was sliding into an acute depression, and that was definitely not a place I wanted to be in!
There is no shame in it and it really helped me to have somebody uninvolved who talk to and to help me let off steam and work through all the grieving and frustration. They didn't tell me what to do; they were just there during a very tough time - but that was enough to get me through it without developing a full blown depression or needing medication, and as a result enable me to have the courage to take my life into a new direction. If I need to, I will do it again without hesitation.
A helpline is much less formal than that. It like a walk-in centre when you have badly sprained your foot or burned your hand. But it is just as effective for getting first aid for your soul.

You'll be amazed how far a little chat can go!

I actually just called a pet bereavement number, and you wouldn't believe how helpful they were! I said Peanut was across the rainbow bridge lost, alone, depressed, scared, cold, hungry, and thirsty and the girl on the phone said she's living it up with lots of other piggies and never felt any of that! I feel better about the loss than ever now! She gets veggies daily, lives with lots of other piggies, and is always happy! While the pain of the loss will never go away, I know she's happy up there and that's honestly enough.

 

[Wiebke]

I am glad that it has actually helped you! All it takes is a bit courage.

Next time you feel overwhelmed and in a dark place, it is going to be easier to call and ask for help.

 

[Flutterby]

I am glad you have managed to find some comfort

 

[BossHogg]

There you go, things are never as bad as they appear. You now have closure. We are here for you as always.

 

[Critter]

@Rochester Piggy your deep loss and how you have felt has brought tears to my eyes. Hun please please do not blame yourself. Pneumonia can be hard to treat successfully no matter how early it is caught, and sometimes the symptoms simply don't show straight away, and when they do it can be so fast in progressing.
You loved her so very much, and I am sure she would have felt that love and carried it with her to the Bridge. There is nothing for her to be afraid of at the Bridge, and plenty of company.

I do agree with what @Tiamolly123 is saying, the loss can be so very very hard, but there will come a time when you will remember your sweet Peanut and smile, though it is likely to be a whistful smile. I am really glad that you have spoken to someone from the service, and that it's helped you.

It is natural to blame yourself, I have done the same thing and I know other people have done too, but really when we take a step back from the situation (which I know is hard to do) we see that actually we did so many things right, often there would have been nothing else that we could have done, and if there was, we generally wouldn't have known it at the time.

 

[Rochester Piggy]

@Rochester Piggy your deep loss and how you have felt has brought tears to my eyes. Hun please please do not blame yourself. Pneumonia can be hard to treat successfully no matter how early it is caught, and sometimes the symptoms simply don't show straight away, and when they do it can be so fast in progressing.
You loved her so very much, and I am sure she would have felt that love and carried it with her to the Bridge. There is nothing for her to be afraid of at the Bridge, and plenty of company.

I do agree with what @Tiamolly123 is saying, the loss can be so very very hard, but there will come a time when you will remember your sweet Peanut and smile, though it is likely to be a whistful smile. I am really glad that you have spoken to someone from the service, and that it's helped you.

It is natural to blame yourself, I have done the same thing and I know other people have done too, but really when we take a step back from the situation (which I know is hard to do) we see that actually we did so many things right, often there would have been nothing else that we could have done, and if there was, we generally wouldn't have known it at the time.

That is so beautifully written. Thank you.

 

[Skittypigs]

December 5th, 2016

I wish I would have been a better mommy

I have so many regrets

I can't believe I didn't spot you had pneumonia.

If I did, maybe you would still be alive with me and Cali instead of across the rainbow bridge lost, alone, scared, cold, hungry, and thirsty.

Every night I pray, I tell god to care for you and nurture you, but he doesn't listen.

As you can imagine, I'm weeping and my whole body is shaking. I can barely type. Thank goodness for auto correct (for once)!

My dear, your grave is gorgeous. Me and Pig Dad made a stepping stone, and I put it over where we buried you. I planted flowers around it, and Pig Grandma gave me a birdbath, which I put next to the grave. I won't let Big Dog near your grave so she won't dig you up.

I can't believe I'll never see you again.

I'm so sorry from the bottom of my heart.

I don't deserve to own guinea pigs

I am the worst piggy mum in the world.

Omg, can't believe the pressure and blame you put on yourself, we all do the best we can and never get it wrong on purpose. You need to stop placing blAme on yourself. Xx

 

[VickiA]

I've only just spotted your thread. I am so sorry for your loss. The pain of loving a much loved pet is as real as any other pain of grief. Please be kind to yourself. You are a good and loving owner.

 

[BonBon2010]

Awe hun :'( reading your post made me cry, please don't blame yourself. Sometimes things happen which are out of our control Your little Peanut has crossed the bridge and has the company of not only my past piggies who have crossed the bridge, but other forum piggies that have done the same, he is not alone and cold.
What you placed in the grave was an empty shell, he had shed so he could gain his wings. I am yet to become brave enough to bury BonBon's ashes after well over a year since her death. Its so hard to say good bye :'(

 

[Rochester Piggy]

Awe hun :'( reading your post made me cry, please don't blame yourself. Sometimes things happen which are out of our control Your little Peanut has crossed the bridge and has the company of not only my past piggies who have crossed the bridge, but other forum piggies that have done the same, he is not alone and cold.
What you placed in the grave was an empty shell, he had shed so he could gain his wings. I am yet to become brave enough to bury BonBon's ashes after well over a year since her death. Its so hard to say good bye :'(

Thank you

 

[David Piggie Lover]

I was brousin things and picked up this thread. I can only say how sad and sorry about your loss. this forum has saved me from a world of guilt pain etc. I lost my guy Pedro under weird circumstances and I spent hours why why why. I loved that guy so much and a world without him was never a option. But it has and I struggled will am but gettin their. These people who I know nothing about never met or who they are . have shown me I'm not alone and how to deal with pain. sorry again but if my piggie meets your piggie they be mates. x Dave