@Katherine ;
@Tim ;
@sport_billy ;
@7squeakers. ;
@Chief Guinea Pig ;
@theoretikos ;
@xxaimeexx ;
@Galaxy&nibbles
Priceless! I shall be looking for the reviews on PigAdvisor online...
Dear hotel management
We would like to provide you with a review of our stay, in the hope you can improve the hotel and return it to the glory days of a real five star service.
Your brochure mentions that dinner and breakfast are served daily and discusses the variety of options available. However you do not serve these at regular times each day and some days we can be left waiting for breakfast until well past 10:30am, where as other times we will get breakfast at 8am sharp. This is not acceptable and upsets our delicate constitution, meaning we have to adjust our whole hay nibbling requirements for that day. This timing issue therefore needs addressing immediately, so I am not left chewing the bars in frustration and hunger!
We are also unable to choose our own particular wants from the food menu and instead get given what you feel is adequate provision for the day. Whilst Treacle will eat anything put in front of her (and sometimes stuff from the rest of us too), I prefer only to eat the green outside skin of the cucumber and really only want one piece of bell pepper. Kindly remind your waitressing staff of this requirement. Bella only likes a couple of mouth fulls of everything you provide before becoming bored of the taste, (oh she's so fickle!) so she would like a wider selection available at all times rather than being provided with each food separately by hand. And whilst Luna will eat most of what you provide (except pepper or green beans), she prefers to eat alone and take her time over her food. I am afraid this is not possible with the way you serve it to us all together. Poor dear Luna seems to miss out on much of the food, so perhaps you ought to serve her first (and maybe me too, but don't tell the others) in a separate dining facility. I would like to state that we all love parsley, kale, broccoli and watermelon at any time of day or night and in large quantities, so you could probably forget entirely about producing that other rubbish for us to eat.
We also do not see why we should have to provide evidence of good behaviour before being entitled to eat kale, as kale eating is part of our constitutional rights set down in the European Bill of Piggies 1995. And should we start chewing the furniture you provided in our suite, then it is only because you do not feed us enough. If we had access to full room service throughout the day then we would not feel the need to attract your attention by chewing and knocking over the furniture or throwing hotel material out of the window. If we are a little grumpy from time to time, then it is only because you restrict our wheat mash intake to once a week, man.... we are addicted to that stuff and you just leave us with withdrawal symptoms when we only get it once a week! Its just not fair! We have needs! I would also like to point out that if this was a proper top class hotel then the minibar would have a greater selection to drink than just water. There are no mixers at all! But the water is cool and fresh, so I suppose that's one thing favourable.
No complaints about the hay provision, it's soft, it's regular twice a day and it's great. We eat it, we poo on it, we sleep on it (not necessarily in that order!) Let's move on.
No complaints either about the exercise equipment or things to occupy our attention, we love the facilities. We just wish you displayed more understanding about when we accidentally wee up it, poo in it or nibble on it. Not our fault, we just do what we gotta do, when we gotta do it.
The choice and array of sleeping accommodation is fantastic and really sets this hotel apart from the others we have stayed in, though the pigloos could be a little bigger to fit two fluffy piggies in together more comfortably. We all like a lot of sleep, maybe we are even a tad on the lazy side, so the ability to change around and lie down in or on something else is fab!
It is a shame you end your glossy brochure with another request to modify our behaviour. Yes you provide litter trays, but after exercising and then waddling around with a belly full of hay and veggies and a bladder full of drink, I'm really sorry but we can't always find the litter trays in time. In the dark of the night (you never leave the lights on) we can't even see the litter trays either. So how can it be our fault if we miss the odd time or ten? Or fifty? Each! And let's be honest, yes we like to wee and poo whilst we nibble hay but, who wants to eat soiled hay? We're not devoid of social etiquette! So when we feel the clean hay to soiled hay quotient is starting to go wrong then of course we walk around the cage pooing in other places and weeing in the corners! We don't eat the Aubiose shavings so it doesn't matter what condition they are in. Besides, it is also your job to clean up after your hotel guests, so we really don't understand why you complain so much about this. It is the most basic of our accommodation requirements.
Regarding the additional services your supporting pamphlets mention we have to say we are less than impressed. The body massage (stroking) is too often and frequently annoying. It doesn't relax us at all (apart from for Luna, who could fall asleep on a mid-cycle washing machine). The warm towels snuggling service only seems to come after we have been subjected to "THE BATH" or "THE BUM WASH".
Let me state for the record, we do not like to sit in water, stand in water, have our bodies dripped with water on any other such combination of us plus water. That shampoo stuff you use on our hair leaves everything too soft and fluffy afterwards, so we are sorry if you are upset that we always plough straight back into the messiest parts of our cage afterwards, but it's just our funny little way of coping! If we are a bit messy at dinner times and dribble watermelon juice down our chins then that is just a sign of our appreciation and should not automatically mean we need a wash...
And the hair cutting service is only ok if we are distracted with a large pile of kale, but when you start snipping near our delicate parts no wonder we get uppity. I mean come on, you'd go jumpy and anxious if someone took an oversized pair of shears and started clipping near your bits too, wouldn't you?
Your pedicure service, by the way, is just barbaric. You hold us down one by one, leggies sticking out and held in a firm grip, bellies pointing outwards, no nice nibbles at all and then you let "machete mummy" at us with a mini guillotine. It's a wonder we still have any nails or feet left after she's finished. It's certainly a miracle that we haven't weed all over you yet at nail cutting time, as we are certainly nervous enough. We do of course reserve the right to widdle at or on you in the future, should we want to remind you of our delicate nature.
And your "hotel events"? Really, do you think that the "Christmas card photo shoot" was an event? A palava more like. We now call it the guest humiliation service - we're expected to wear silly hats and/or stand or sit in an embarrassing setting that no self respecting "guest" would willingly subject themselves to. Bright lights on us, nowhere to properly relax, nothing to eat and no security in numbers either, we are expected to strut our stuff one by one. What do we get for our sufferance? A cuddle and being told how cute we look! WE WANT KALE IF WE ARE GOING TO PUT UP WITH ALL THAT, NOT A CUDDLE!
I hope I have made our feelings clear! There are some good points about your hotel, we have certainly been in worse. But standards are slipping and you are no longer the five star serviced establishment which you originally achieved rating for. We suggest that if you want us to stay or may want other guests to come and stay here in the future, that you attend to the items above.
Yours sincerely with nibbles
Ruby, on behalf of the piggies (guests).
Brilliant!
