The One and Only Thea has received a letter from the GPU

[Betsy]

This morning, there was a letter waiting for Thea by the hutch.

Dear One and Only Thea (Shop Steward)

Now that a suitable period of mourning for the passing of our first Shop Steward The Ever Beautiful Betsy has passed, we would like you to let all your friends in Forumland know that the GPU is now open for business as usual. All complaints that any Guinea Pig has with their Slaves will be dealt with swiftly and advice given accordingly.

We would like to thank all Piggies for not contacting the GPU out of respect for The Ever Beautiful Betsy (Shop Steward, Retired) but now feel that she would want us at GPU Headquarters to carry on as normal.

Yours in anticipation of lots of complaints

The Board of the GPU

 

[weepweeps]

I hope The One and Only Thea is not rushed off her .

 

[Sparklepetal]

Dear One And Only Thea,

We are delighted to hear that you are open for business again because we are very concerned about the Big Slave. She just doesn't seem to be trying hard enough to control the weather. A few weeks ago we had the delightful First Lawn Time of Spring ritual and were super impressed with the new run as well. Now, apparently it is that thing that's been going on for months already called Too Cold Outside. Honestly, why isn't the Big Slave dealing with this? Handfuls of luscious picked grass in our playpen is not the same thing at all.

Wheeks and poops from

Trudy and Hazelnut

 

[Betsy]

Dear Trudy and Hazel

I nor my best fried Lexi have ever been to the exciting new land of "Lawn Time" before. In our old house we weren't allowed to and now we have a new Slave we were hoping to experience the new land but our Slave says we can't now as she has seen a fox in the garden. We don't know what a fox is but it sounds a very scary thing! We have a delivery of lovely yummy luscious picked grass every day and we love that as we had never had grass before either.

I digress, on to your complaint. It really is not on that your Slave gave you the first taste of freedom with Lawn Time then immediately told you it wouldn't be happening again. Your Slave really ought to try better. Do you really believe her when she says it's too cold outside? She may just be saying it as she can't be bothered to put you on the lawn in your super new run. The way to deal with this is to wheek as loud and as often as possible to show your displeasure and when it's cuddle time make sure you hold onto your wee until she is nice and comfortable and then loose your bladders! Oh and poop a bit on her too. Slaves like lots of piggy poop!

Yours hoping you get more runtime very soon

The One and Only Thea
Shop Steward

 

[CV26]

Dear One and Only Thea

Lovely to hear you're open again. We'll get straight to business.

Our slaves just aren't getting the message.

After our latest vets trip we've been getting this lovely Emeraid stuff and something orange which apparently is for our livers but tastes amazing! Although our blood tests (let's not talk about the embarrassment of a hair cut we had) show us to be quite poorly, we won't let on and have kept up the pressure on the slaves to answer our every whim.

We've wheeked at the most excessive volumes and have now taken to yanking so hard on the cage bars we've managed to pull them off their holders. It makes a glorious rattle and thud but sadly has not caused the slaves to deliver more food, Emeraid or orange stuff.

They do come running mind you. The Better Slave was muttering something about thank goodness they didn't get out. Don't know what that means.

Anyway. What more could we do to make it known that we want more of everything? And not in a little while, right now?

Wheeking loudly
Dash and Spud x

 

[Betsy]

Dear Dash and Spud

Sorry to hear you've been unwell and had to suffer being poked, prodded and shaved in embarrassing places by the nasty vet man. I've not had Emeraid stuff yet. I have had Metacam which was very yummy but not amazing tasting orange stuff.

It sounds as if you've been trying very hard to get the attention of your Slaves. Well done in your achievements so far. I have consulted the GPU Guide to How To Train Your Slave to Answer to your Every Need and you have done everything you can do except nip your slaves and for that I need to call on the advice of GPFANS (@Viennese Furbabies) for guidance as they are the experts and run online courses.

Yours in admiration of all you have achieved so far

The One and Only Thea
Shop Steward

 

[Merab]

Dear One and Only Thea,
We are glad that GPU is once again active.
We were very sad about the loss of the Ever Beautiful Betsy and hope you are all feeling a bit less sad now.

Phoebe would like it to be known that she has heard her slave posted a picture of her poorly face on the forum without permission. What is worse she made fun of Phoebe who was recovering from anaesthetic and lots of pain killer by comparing her to a drunk !
Can you believe it ?
She is not a happy piggy and we seek your help on her behalf.
Love from Priscilla and Micah

 

[Betsy]

Dear Priscilla and Micah

Thank you for your condolences on the loss of The Ever Beautiful Betsy. We are feeling a little bit better, although I know Meg misses her and I am missing her guidance on how to advise piggies in awkward and tricky situations.

Your Slave has behaved appallingly to poor Phoebe who is not well at all. When Phoebe is feeling better (if she feels too ill you will both have to act on her behalf) she will have to let her Slave know she was not happy at this mistreatment by pooping and weeing on her a lot and also wheeking as loudly as possible even when she has just been fed and demand more. Is she a bar biter? If not maybe she should become one just to annoy her Slave.

Yours disgusted at the way a Slave could treat a poorly piggy

The One and Only Thea
Shop Steward

 

[Roselina]

Dear One and Only Thea
We were very sad to hear about the lovely Betsy and we hope you are all managing well.
It’s great to have you The One and Only Thea to help us all.
We have noticed our slave is a bit lazy with grass. To be fair we have moved house and can see the garden is gravel but she made a big fuss telling us she’d made some grass beds but…..where is it ? We think she’s eating it all herself.
And some days she is early with breakfast and some days 5 minutes late !
We have decided to protest by hiding …. She calls out our names and she has to look for us and then we just run out to show we’re still here!
It’s good cos she always says ‘ where were you ? What am I going to do with you two?’
One other important point we need help with is that we hate having our nails trimmed but she doesn’t get the hint, she still trims them ! Is it something you can advise on or do we have to put up with it ?
Thanking you in anticipation The One and Only Thea
With loving wheeks
Booby and Geoff

 

[Viennese Furbabies]

Dear One and Only Thea

Lovely to hear you're open again. We'll get straight to business.

Our slaves just aren't getting the message.

After our latest vets trip we've been getting this lovely Emeraid stuff and something orange which apparently is for our livers but tastes amazing! Although our blood tests (let's not talk about the embarrassment of a hair cut we had) show us to be quite poorly, we won't let on and have kept up the pressure on the slaves to answer our every whim.

We've wheeked at the most excessive volumes and have now taken to yanking so hard on the cage bars we've managed to pull them off their holders. It makes a glorious rattle and thud but sadly has not caused the slaves to deliver more food, Emeraid or orange stuff.

They do come running mind you. The Better Slave was muttering something about thank goodness they didn't get out. Don't know what that means.

Anyway. What more could we do to make it known that we want more of everything? And not in a little while, right now?

Wheeking loudly
Dash and Spud x

Dear Dash & Spud,
the one and only Thea (@Betsy) brought your problem to our attention.
We would recommend that you register for one of our courses 'Nipping for beginners'. We have had a hugh success rate. Sometimes slaves just need to experience our teeth to get the pigture.
Wheeks Tessy

 

[Betsy]

Dear Bobby and Geoff

Thank you for your kinds words about the very much missed late Ever Beautiful Betsy.

Being late with breakfast just is not on! As is being lazy with grass. The fact the garden is gravel is just an excuse. If your Slave says she's made you some grass beds and you aren't getting a daily grass delivery, she clearly needs to make your more.

Hiding is a great idea as a protest when breakfast is late, but as my upstairs neighbour, Meg, found out the other day when our forage was late sending out an alarm call works wonders! The forage was delivered in minutes!

I hate having my nails trimmed too. I'm afraid it's just one thing we as piggies just have to get used to cos if we don't our nails will grow all twisted and may grow into our feet which can be very painful. If our nails are too long and twisted, it will be difficult to walk too.

Yours hoping you get more yummy grass

The One and Only Thea
Shop Steward

 

[T-Rex]

Dear The One and Only Thea,

I, Ginny, am the nominated spokespiggy for our herd. On behalf of us all I would like to extend our condolences on the very sad loss of The Ever Beautiful Betsy.

I have a couple of issues that I would like to bring to your attention on behalf of both myself and also the other pigs I reside with.

Firstly, I wish to bring up an issue with our slave. Over the weekend I was accosted and manhandled out of my home and held in the air by the scary bearded slave. Then they proceeded to use the scary vibrating buzzing thing to remove my fur. Apparently I had some “matting” in my fur? I found it very undignified and when I was placed back in my home I wasn’t even offered an compensation? Surely this is against my piggy rights?

Secondly, there appears to be some squatters in our room? We have been rather unsettled to hear noises below us at all hours of the day and night. Apparently they are “foster rabbits”?

The worst part about the squatters is that the pig slave says she has to sweep the floor before she can feed us? Apparently they are defecating all over the floor! We have been shouting very loudly to alert the slave to our plight but she just tells us to wait! The cheek!

We really would be grateful for any advice you can offer. Luckily Ruffles has continued to nip and bite the slave at any opportunity so I feel reassured that at least we have that angle covered!

Thanks in advance,

Yours in wheeks- nominated spokespiggy- Ginny.

 

[Betsy]

Dear Ginny

The Ever Beautiful Betsy (Shop Steward, Retired) used to endure bum trims (a very fashionable wedge cut) with but it wasn't with a scary buzzy thing (that was saved for the summer furdo). Our Slave used scissors to get the matts off. Betsy used to put up with it because she had lots of yummy stuff to munch on while Slave cut away. She certainly wasn't accosted and manhandled by a scary bearded Slave and held in the air! If your Slaves didn't give you yummy stuff to munch on then that certainly is against piggy rights! Next time you have to undergo such shocking treatment you need to hide in the hardest to reach area of your run and when your Slave has eventually got hold of you, wriggle and tell the whole world you're being murdered by wheaking at the top of your voice. Betsy would have told your Slave to look at An Illustrated Guide to Hair Cutting which she played a starring role in for guidance of how to give a bum trim.

Squatters? Now your Slave is really taking liberties letting squatters live in your room! What a cheek! Keeping you awake all night and all day with their noises. To make you wait for your breakfast? what is your Slave thinking of? How dare she sweep the floor before feeding you! Can't she just sweep a path to walk through all the mess then feed you and finish sweeping afterwards? You are doing a good job reminding her what important members of your family you are by wheaking really loudly. Good on Ruffles for keeping up the GPFANS message of biting at every opportunity if displeased. My advice on this disgraceful behaviour by your Slave is all of you be very quiet one morning and hide in your hideys so she gets really worried about you then come running and wheak at her as if you're all laughing. That'll teach her!

Yours in horror at the treatment you have had to suffer

The One and Only Thea
Shop Steward

 

[Merab]

Dear One and Only Thea,
I want to thank you for your kind answer to the letter Priscilla and Micah wrote on my behalf.
I will certainly consider bar biting as a future tactic.
As I am feeling much better now I have been pooping a lot all over my special feeding place which slave calls ‘the table’. I keep trying to miss the big towel I have to sit on.
I also have decided that if I am careful about my syringe feeding I can make sure it spreads a long way, especially over my slave.
Your support at the terrible, public humiliation I have suffered is much appreciated.
Love from Phoebe x

 

[Roselina]

Dear Bobby and Geoff

Thank you for your kinds words about the very much missed late Ever Beautiful Betsy.

Being late with breakfast just is not on! As is being lazy with grass. The fact the garden is gravel is just an excuse. If your Slave says she's made you some grass beds and you aren't getting a daily grass delivery, she clearly needs to make your more.

Hiding is a great idea as a protest when breakfast is late, but as my upstairs neighbour, Meg, found out the other day when our forage was late sending out an alarm call works wonders! The forage was delivered in minutes!

I hate having my nails trimmed too. I'm afraid it's just one thing we as piggies just have to get used to cos if we don't our nails will grow all twisted and may grow into our feet which can be very painful. If our nails are too long and twisted, it will be difficult to walk too.

Yours hoping you get more yummy grass

The One and Only Thea
Shop Steward

Dear One and Only Thea
Thank you so much for your quick reply, and your reassurances we ARE right about the grass ! We will protest in the loudest terms ! We will let you know if our slave meets our demands.
We understand about the nail trimming and while we accept it has to be done , we aren’t happy but we will ask for more refreshments while it’s being done ….the least she can do!
Thank you for your help One and Only Thea, it’s so lovely to have your wisdom and advice !
Lots of wheeks
Bobby and Geoff

 

[VickiA]

Dear One and Only Thea

I’d like to offer my condolences on the loss of The Ever Beautiful Betsy.

I’ve recently had a pretty torrid time, too. First I lost my ever attentive husboar Ralph. He rumbled at me and rounded me up several times each hour to show me how much he loved me. Then I lost my mother figure Holly. She taught me how to beg at the bars for blueberries and how to strip the roof off a carrot cottage. She was awesome. I miss her terribly. My great big cage was very empty without them and I was rather glum on my own.

But that is when things took a turn for the worse. The stupid slave decided I looked so sad that I needed company. I was plonked unceremoniously into a run with 3 other piggies - imagine my horror when I realised they were my annoying next door neighbours. The big and daft one (Boris ) was ok. But the 2 evil sisters (nicknamed the Mistresses of Mean by the slave) were just about tolerable. That’s when it got even worse. after several hours with nothing but hay to eat the slave put us all into my cage. At least I think it’s my cage, but I can’t be sure, as it doesn’t smell like me or Holly and Ralph. And it doesn’t look the same either.

Anyhow….I’ve been living with the mean girls now for coming up to a week. Boris won’t defend me - just runs and hides from the mean girls. Evie has accepted that I’m no threat and leaves me alone, but Iris doesn’t believe yet that I am no threat. She keeps sticking her head into whichever house I’m in and it freaks me out. She hasn’t bitten me or anything but she is quite menacing. The slave is utterly useless. I have squeaked, squealed and made as much noise as I can to tell her that Iris is being mean but she doesn’t do anything about it. She keeps saying we are in the “dominance phase” whatever that means and to “give it another week”. She also tells me to stop making such a fuss. I do not think it’s acceptable at all to abandon me to my fate in this way. Why doesn’t she evict the neighbours and send them back to their own cage? Please write to the GPU on my behalf, and ask that they take immediate action. I can’t believe I’m being forced to share my home with these squatters.

Yours, more in hope than expectation, and with full guinea pig distress wheeks at full volume

Hazel x

 

[Betsy]

Dear Hazel

You poor thing, first losing Ralph then Holly to The Rainbow Bridge. Ralph sounds like he was an awesome chap and Holly sounds like she was a very lovely lady teaching you all the important things in life.

What a silly idea of your Slave to see if The Mistresses of Mean and Boris like you. Why on earth would your Slave think that you would like to live with your neighbours? Would she like it if she was forced to live with hers?

It appears you have done all you can to let your Slave know that you aren't happy with Iris bullying you like that by wheaking loudly at every possible occasion. Hopefully, Iris will come to her senses like Evie and Boris have and realise that you mean her no harm. Then you will just have to work out if you are 2nd, or 3rd piggy as obviously Boris will be 4th piggy.

I do think it's a bit of a cheek that Slave plonked you all back in your cage why couldn't she have made a new cage for you all so you wouldn't think you had squatters and that the other 3 wouldn't miss their home?

My advice is to bite your Slave and to take up bar biting (if you don't already) just to annoy her. Demand more food more often and poop loads preferably at cuddle time on your Slave. Wheak as loudly as you can to let the whole road know how unfairly you've been treated.

Yours appalled at the liberties your Slave thinks she can get away with

The One and Only Thea
Shop Steward

 

[Flutterby]

Well done Thea for taking on this amazing mantle xx