Just lost Treacle, I think it will soon be Toffee's turn

LondonLady

LondonLady

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Apologies, I think this is going to be a long one.

If you have read my previous posts you will know that three weeks ago my beautiful Treacle was pts. This leaves Toffee on his own again. Sadly I think Toffee is also approaching the end of his life.

Until recently he was doing well, his only problem being arthritis. He takes metacam for this, which seems to keep him comfortable. However in the middle of all the worry about Treacle, we noticed that Toffee had a large swelling/lump - not sure what to call it, on his right side. The vet took samples and sent them away but the results were inconclusive. All we know is that he has a 'mass' that could be cancerous. The only way to find out would be surgery but I have made the decision that I don't want to put him through an operation - mainly due to his age - he is now nearly 7. In the last week the mass seems to have got bigger. Toffee is still eating and pooping normally. His weight, though much less than when he was young, has been steady for the last few months. I've spoken to two vets, the first, my usual vet and the practice's exotic specialist seemed to think surgery would be the best option, though she didn't try to pressurise me in any way. I've also spoken to one of the other vets at the practice who is also good with small furries and she put it like this: An operation could possibly 'fix' him, but it would be risky. If I decide against surgery and the mass begins to affect his quality of life it would be too late to do anything and we would have to let him go. Having said this, she said that in my place she would decide against surgery too.

I haven't changed my mind. I still don't want him to have an operation. But I can't help wondering if this is the right decision.

I don't know how significant this is, but the only change in his behaviour is that whereas he has always hated being held, he now lets me pick him up without struggling and hold him (until he decides enough is enough and starts nipping my fingers to tell me to put him down.) This is lovely for me but I can't help wondering what it means. I worry that he's very lonely and missing Treacle, who he was very close to and I'm the next best thing to another guinea pig? Or that he's feeling ill and just can't be bothered to fight me any more?

The thing is, I don't know how long he's got left. The fact that the mass has increased in size suggests to me that i won't be very long, but on the other hand he's eating, getting excited for his veggies, trotting around the cage as normal - maybe he's got months left. And if he has, then it doesn't feel fair to him to keep him on his own without a friend.

I've also sort of decided that when Toffee dies I want to have a break for a few months before adopting more guinea pigs. This is partly due to my own health problems which I want to sort out first.

I feel I'm letting Toffee down and being selfish, putting my own needs first. Just feeling very upset and confused.
 
LondonLady said:
Apologies, I think this is going to be a long one.

If you have read my previous posts you will know that three weeks ago my beautiful Treacle was pts. This leaves Toffee on his own again. Sadly I think Toffee is also approaching the end of his life.

Until recently he was doing well, his only problem being arthritis. He takes metacam for this, which seems to keep him comfortable. However in the middle of all the worry about Treacle, we noticed that Toffee had a large swelling/lump - not sure what to call it, on his right side. The vet took samples and sent them away but the results were inconclusive. All we know is that he has a 'mass' that could be cancerous. The only way to find out would be surgery but I have made the decision that I don't want to put him through an operation - mainly due to his age - he is now nearly 7. In the last week the mass seems to have got bigger. Toffee is still eating and pooping normally. His weight, though much less than when he was young, has been steady for the last few months. I've spoken to two vets, the first, my usual vet and the practice's exotic specialist seemed to think surgery would be the best option, though she didn't try to pressurise me in any way. I've also spoken to one of the other vets at the practice who is also good with small furries and she put it like this: An operation could possibly 'fix' him, but it would be risky. If I decide against surgery and the mass begins to affect his quality of life it would be too late to do anything and we would have to let him go. Having said this, she said that in my place she would decide against surgery too.

I haven't changed my mind. I still don't want him to have an operation. But I can't help wondering if this is the right decision.

I don't know how significant this is, but the only change in his behaviour is that whereas he has always hated being held, he now lets me pick him up without struggling and hold him (until he decides enough is enough and starts nipping my fingers to tell me to put him down.) This is lovely for me but I can't help wondering what it means. I worry that he's very lonely and missing Treacle, who he was very close to and I'm the next best thing to another guinea pig? Or that he's feeling ill and just can't be bothered to fight me any more?

The thing is, I don't know how long he's got left. The fact that the mass has increased in size suggests to me that i won't be very long, but on the other hand he's eating, getting excited for his veggies, trotting around the cage as normal - maybe he's got months left. And if he has, then it doesn't feel fair to him to keep him on his own without a friend.

I've also sort of decided that when Toffee dies I want to have a break for a few months before adopting more guinea pigs. This is partly due to my own health problems which I want to sort out first.

I feel I'm letting Toffee down and being selfish, putting my own needs first. Just feeling very upset and confused.
Click to expand...

HUGS

You are still very much grieving and are not ready for the next goodbye but you are definitely not selfish; your decision is sound and made out of love. You are not a bad owner; rather the opposite because what is happening to you right now only happens to those who care and love deeply.

It is perfectly normal that you question yourself at this stage. I am speaking from ample personal experience.

If you want to know, it's actually the same deeply ingrained human instinct that urges you to reflect everything negatively back onto yourself and to question your motives and major decisions as your new grieving process for Toffee is kicking in with full strength now that you are realising that he won't have much time left.
Your grieving process doesn't actually start with death but with the moment that a loss is inevitable and your realisation that a life you care about is on the countdown.

What you are currently experiencing is basically the same emotional failure/guilt tsunami wave at the onset of the grieving process breaking over you for a second time, just in a different setting (before the actual passing as opposed after it, as you have just been through with Treacle) but no less powerful and sadly with no time for you to come up for a breath between the two boys, emotionally speaking. :(

Please stick by your decisions which you have made while you were emotionally balanced but try and see Toffee as preparing for his own journey to be reunited with Treacle as soon as possible for him. It is highly likely that Treacle's loss has lowered Toffee's immune system and has given the growth the chance to really take off, so the reunification scenario is not far off.

Grieve for your piggy mates as a firmly bonded unit - as 'Toffee and Treacle who do not want to be without each other'. Accept the fact that your grieving process has just gone another gear up but that it has nothing to do with you as a person or owner, just with the extremely sad circumstances you find yourself in.

Try not to grieve for your boys separately and try to find consolation in that you are allowing Toffee his dearest wish; this will make the processing of your combined losses easier on you; the same as it has helped me in comparable situations.

Toffee doesn't know that there is the option of a make or break operation but he may actually prefer to be with his beloved mate instead of living on without Treacle and having to start with a new mate after all this time while not feeling well - if you had the option to ask him.

If you feel really lost and overwhelmed with your double loss in progress, please don't hesitate to speak with the free Blue Cross services who can give you additional support and another voice telling you the same in this most difficult and heartbreaking scenario which tests all of us, even the toughest and most experienced.
Pet Loss Support

Anyway, I hope that I have been able to help you make sense of what is going on and why you are suddenly feeling so overwhelmed, conflicted and insecure of your decisions right now?

We remain here to support you as a community on this most difficult ongoing journey.

My thoughts are with you and Toffee.

A Practical and Sensitive Guide to Dying, Terminal Illness and Euthanasia in Guinea Pigs (Our advice for looking after a terminally ill piggy with all the owner dilemmas that you face.)

Human Bereavement: Grieving, Processing and Support Links for Guinea Pig Owners and Their Children (Helping you to understand your double grieving process a bit better since this guide also has a chapter on the somewhat different dynamics when grieving with a terminally ill piggy. You are not grieving any less but the different stages are more drawn out and the same processes happen in a somewhat different order.)
 
LondonLady said:
Apologies, I think this is going to be a long one.

If you have read my previous posts you will know that three weeks ago my beautiful Treacle was pts. This leaves Toffee on his own again. Sadly I think Toffee is also approaching the end of his life.

Until recently he was doing well, his only problem being arthritis. He takes metacam for this, which seems to keep him comfortable. However in the middle of all the worry about Treacle, we noticed that Toffee had a large swelling/lump - not sure what to call it, on his right side. The vet took samples and sent them away but the results were inconclusive. All we know is that he has a 'mass' that could be cancerous. The only way to find out would be surgery but I have made the decision that I don't want to put him through an operation - mainly due to his age - he is now nearly 7. In the last week the mass seems to have got bigger. Toffee is still eating and pooping normally. His weight, though much less than when he was young, has been steady for the last few months. I've spoken to two vets, the first, my usual vet and the practice's exotic specialist seemed to think surgery would be the best option, though she didn't try to pressurise me in any way. I've also spoken to one of the other vets at the practice who is also good with small furries and she put it like this: An operation could possibly 'fix' him, but it would be risky. If I decide against surgery and the mass begins to affect his quality of life it would be too late to do anything and we would have to let him go. Having said this, she said that in my place she would decide against surgery too.

I haven't changed my mind. I still don't want him to have an operation. But I can't help wondering if this is the right decision.

I don't know how significant this is, but the only change in his behaviour is that whereas he has always hated being held, he now lets me pick him up without struggling and hold him (until he decides enough is enough and starts nipping my fingers to tell me to put him down.) This is lovely for me but I can't help wondering what it means. I worry that he's very lonely and missing Treacle, who he was very close to and I'm the next best thing to another guinea pig? Or that he's feeling ill and just can't be bothered to fight me any more?

The thing is, I don't know how long he's got left. The fact that the mass has increased in size suggests to me that i won't be very long, but on the other hand he's eating, getting excited for his veggies, trotting around the cage as normal - maybe he's got months left. And if he has, then it doesn't feel fair to him to keep him on his own without a friend.

I've also sort of decided that when Toffee dies I want to have a break for a few months before adopting more guinea pigs. This is partly due to my own health problems which I want to sort out first.

I feel I'm letting Toffee down and being selfish, putting my own needs first. Just feeling very upset and confused.
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Absolutely understand everything you are saying. At seven he has reached a wonderful age due to your excellent care. I wouldn't have an operation on an elderly piggy. The odds are not in favour of elderly guinea pigs surviving long after big operations. I know that you treasure your time with him and he is extremely well cared for and happy. I can understand you wishing to stop keeping guinea pigs for a while. They are not easy pets. I hope you have sweet Toffee for a while yet. Wishing you peace, strength and comfort 🙏❤️
 
You are definitely not being selfish. ❤️

I personally wouldn’t go for an operation at this stage in his life. I would keep him comfortable and give him as many happy days as you can.

When it is his time you will know and Treacle will be waiting for him over the bridge. Sending you hugs. 🥰

I hope your health improves too. X
 
Sending you hugs at such a sad time.
I wouldn't have an operation on an elderly piggy. I have been faced with this several times and as much as we want to cure them I believe an operation at this age is too much for their delicate systems to cope with.
 
We all understand on this forum
You know lovely Toffee best and 7 is an amazing age
I think you will know the right time unless Toffee decides first
I think making Toffee’s days with you the best they can be will comfort you
Sending much love to you and Toffee ❤️
 
I chose not to put Jemimah through surgery when she developed a mass
Although not such a great age as Toffee she wasn’t a young piggy and , like you , I discussed options with my vet.
We decided to keep her at home, pain free, comfortable and let her have as many happy days as possible.
She passed away peacefully at home.
I have no regrets at making that decision although it wasn’t easy.

You will make the best decision for Toffee out of your love for him.
Hugs 🤗
 
So sorry you’re going through this.

I went ahead with a piggy operation on a mass and later regretted it, we had a bad outcome which was no-one’s fault and by all accounts, very unlucky given her younger age and the experience of the vet. Still, I regretted putting her through it.

At the age you’re dealing with, I think it’s quite reasonable to focus on quality of life now, sad as it is to accept. Sometimes it’s just kinder to not put them through it. Sorry though, because it’s a horrible thing to have to accept, as many of us know.

I wish you both more happy days.
 
Wiebke said:
HUGS

You are still very much grieving and are not ready for the next goodbye but you are definitely not selfish; your decision is sound and made out of love. You are not a bad owner; rather the opposite because what is happening to you right now only happens to those who care and love deeply.

It is perfectly normal that you question yourself at this stage. I am speaking from ample personal experience.

If you want to know, it's actually the same deeply ingrained human instinct that urges you to reflect everything negatively back onto yourself and to question your motives and major decisions as your new grieving process for Toffee is kicking in with full strength now that you are realising that he won't have much time left.
Your grieving process doesn't actually start with death but with the moment that a loss is inevitable (if it has not already happened rather suddenly) and your realisation that a life you care about is on the countdown.

What you are currently experiencing is basically the same emotional failure/guilt tsunami wave at the onset of the grieving process breaking over you for a second time, just in a different setting (before the actual passing opposed after it, as you have just been through with Treacle) but no less powerful and sadly with no time for you to come up for a breath between the two boys, emotionally speaking. :(

Please stick by your decisions which you have made while you were emotionally balanced but try and see Toffee as preparing for his own journey to be reunited with Treacle as soon as possible for him. It is highly likely that Treacle's loss has lowered Toffee's immune system and has given the growth the chance to really take off, so the reunification scenario is not far off.

Grieve for your piggy mates as a firmly bonded unit - as 'Toffee and Treacle who do not want to be without each other'. Accept the fact that your grieving process has just gone another gear up but that it has nothing to do with you as a person or owner, just with the extremely sad circumstances you find yourself in.
Try not to grieve for them separately and try to find consolation in that you are allowing Toffee his dearest wish; this will make the processing of your combined losses easier on you; the same as it has helped me in comparable situations. Toffee doesn't know that there is the option of a make or break operation but he may actually prefer to be with his beloved mate instead of living on without Treacle and having to start with a new mate after all this time, if you had the option to ask him?

If you feel really lost and overwhelmed with your double loss in progress, don't hesitate to speak with the free Blue Cross services who can give you additional support and another voice telling you the same in this most difficult and heartbreaking scenario which tests all of us, even the toughest and most experienced.
Pet Loss Support

Anyway, I hope that I have been able to help you make sense of what is going on and why you are suddenly feeling so overwhelmed, conflicted and insecure of your decisions right now?

We remain here to support you as a community on this most difficult ongoing journey.

My thoughts are with you and Toffee.

A Practical and Sensitive Guide to Dying, Terminal Illness and Euthanasia in Guinea Pigs (Our advice for looking after a terminally ill piggy with all the owner dilemmas that you face.)

Human Bereavement: Grieving, Processing and Support Links for Guinea Pig Owners and Their Children (Helping you to understand your double grieving process a bit better since this guide also has a chapter on the somewhat different dynamics when grieving with a terminally ill piggy. You are not grieving any less but the different stages are more drawn out and the same processes happen in a somewhat different order.)
Click to expand...
Thank you @Wiebke , as always your reply is helpful, calming and reassuring. You have a wonderful way with words and combined with your vast experience you have enabled me to make some sense of what is happening. I particularly like the idea of thinking of Treacle and Toffee as a unit - that is really helpful. Thank you so much.
 
LondonLady said:
Thank you @Wiebke , as always your reply is helpful, calming and reassuring. You have a wonderful way with words and combined with your vast experience you have enabled me to make some sense of what is happening. I particularly like the idea of thinking of Treacle and Toffee as a unit - that is really helpful. Thank you so much.
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I am always glad when I can help somebody make their difficult journey that bit easier on them.

Understanding that there are certain mechanics and grieving stages behind the strong emotional states and that it is not something totally random helps you to feel that bit more in control. Looking at some processes in a different way can also help you cope better emotionally. You do not love and mourn less deeply but you can sometimes shift the rucksack with the burden of your woes into a bit more comfortable position while you are on your journey, so to speak.

Make sure that you plan a special shared enrichment activity with Toffee so you can live each remaining day with him consciously and cherish it while he is still well enough to do so. Enrichment can be lots of different things but you still have the chance to create those moments of intense, bitter-sweet happiness and laughter that will stay with you forever and that you can find again and take strength from in your own darkest times.

That is what I am doing for myself now: Creating my own special moments of bliss and revisiting special times with my own piggies when I'm in a scan or hitting a real low. My most special piggy Minx is still there for me to give me the runaround in the garden even 20 years later and to trigger my happiness hormones whenever I hit a black puddle.
Please take the time to do this with Toffee. Having those moments can help you make more peace with what it going on and counterbalance the grieving that is going on underneath.

This guide here can help you with ideas what enrichment actually means and in how many little ways you can practice it: Enrichment Ideas for Guinea Pigs

My thoughts are with you on your journey. We continue to be there for you whenever and for as long as you need it.
 
Just a little update. Toffee is doing well so far. His weight has been going down very gradually, but not by a huge amount. I offered him some recovery food in a dish mixed with mashed banana (Thank you for the tip, @Merab ) which he enjoyed and the next day he had gained a few grams again, so that's encouraging. He seems happy though I worry that he's feeling lonely on his own again. I'm really concerned about the next few days though. the temperatures they are forecasting are really frightening. Toffee has made it through several heatwaves now without any problems but of course he's now older and not in the best of health 😢.
 
Hi I’m glad Toffee is doing ok.

I was worrying about my boys so I popped in cooled snugglesafes. They are not sitting on them so they must be ok.

Do you have snugglesafes or bottles filled with frozen water to give him the option if he’s hot?

I’m sure Toffee will be fine. ❤️
 
I hope sweet Toffee will be OK and not too uncomfortable. Yes, a bottle of ice water with a fleece around it is very popular with my piggies who lie with their back against it. I exchange it with others from the freezer after a few hours 🙏❤️
 
LondonLady said:
Just a little update. Toffee is doing well so far. His weight has been going down very gradually, but not by a huge amount. I offered him some recovery food in a dish mixed with mashed banana (Thank you for the tip, @Merab ) which he enjoyed and the next day he had gained a few grams again, so that's encouraging. He seems happy though I worry that he's feeling lonely on his own again. I'm really concerned about the next few days though. the temperatures they are forecasting are really frightening. Toffee has made it through several heatwaves now without any problems but of course he's now older and not in the best of health 😢.
Click to expand...

That is great to hear!

I am dreading the coming days as well, as half of my piggies are now pushing 5 years or are above. The remaining piggies are all 4 years or coming up to 4 years in just a few months. :(

Continue to do your best and pray for that bit of extra luck. We are living in unprecedented times.
 
I've been trying to write an update on Toffee for a while. Forgive me, this will be more about me than Toffee and it will probably be a bit incoherent..

I'm not in a good place at the moment. I've mentioned before that I have health problems. Well after multiple tests, xrays, scans etc since my first symptoms in February, I've now been diagnosed with lung cancer, which I've been told is 'treatable but not curable'. I'm starting treatment next Monday. I was given the diagnosis in July and it was a huge shock. I've been in a daze ever since. I don't really know what to expect and in particular how it will affect my ability to look after Toffee.

Back to Toffee. He's been doing amazingly well up to now. To be honest I'm surprised he's still here. When I started this thread I really thought he was very close to the end. And now I'm thinking that again and I don't know what to do. I know I'm not looking after him the way i should. Firstly, he's been on his own since we lost Treacle and I feel guilty about that - when I first had guinea pigs. I promised myself that I would never keep a single guinea pig on their own, but I have no option, there is no way I can get him a friend now. Although he doesn't show it I know he must be lonely and I feel guilty every time I look at him.

The mass in his side is much bigger (I'll attach a picture so you can see what I mean.) It still doesn't seem to be bothering him. He's not showing any signs of pain or discomfort, but is he just hiding it? He's still eating well. He's actually gained some weight in the past few weeks but I'm assuming that's due to the increase in size of the mass rather than actual weight gain. He looks tired and isn't nearly as active as he used to be but is otherwise acting normally. We have lots of cuddles (something he would never allow when he was young!) and I don't want to lose him, not now especially. I feel I need him.

I feel I ought to take him to the vet or at least phone them and ask for advice. but somehow I just haven't been able to make myself do it. (I have a good friend who would take him in a real emergency if I couldn't.) And I'm afraid that if she sees the size this mass has grown to the vet will be shocked that I've let things get to this point. I'm also worried that she'll spot something else wrong with him and say its time for pts. I'm not ready for that yet. But of course this has got to be about Toffee not me.

I've always tried to do my absolute best for my piggies and now I'm letting Toffee down. He's 7 now and I've had him for almost 6 years. I diddn't want my piggy journey to end like this.

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My word I am sorry for all you are going through thankfully it can be treated but still a terrible shock in sure and therefore it's no wonder you feel unable to face going to the vet but as you say Toffee and you need to find out what you can do to help him.
Why don't you and your friend take him so you have the support there but are still able to ask any questions you have about any diagnosis or treatment/medications 💐
 
I am so very sorry that you have been going through all this.
It’s no wonder your mind is all over the place
First you need to consider your own treatment and the impact it will have on your life.
Being told your cancer isn’t curable will have started the grieving process for you.
Treatment will give you more time - focus on making the months / years ahead good ones full of happy memories.

@CTWC ’s suggestion to go to the vet with your friend is a good one.
You will have support and your friend can help you take in anything the vet says and talk through options with you.
Don’t be rushed into a decision- allowing yourself time to take in the options.

Holding you in my heart ♥️
 
I’m so sad to read your post
Only you know what is best for Toffee
I wish you healing as you go thru your treatment
 
So sorry you’re going through so much, it sounds so tough and my heart goes out to you. You’re clearly a really loving owner; please don’t beat yourself up for needing time to think things through when you’ve had such a bombshell of your own. I hope you have a bit of support around you. And I’m sure the vets won’t judge you, but maybe they could be helpful in thinking things through with you and taking some of the pressure off, so you’re not carrying all the responsibility and stress about Toffee on your own?
 
Oh @LondonLady I’m so sorry you’ve had this diagnosis. What an awful shock for you. Sending you hugs 🥰

Good luck with your treatment.

You are not letting Toffee down. At his age whatever the lump is it’s not operable. So he is now on palliative care. That’s ok. He will let you know he’s ready to join Treacle.
 
HUGE HUGS

Sorry for needing a little while before I have felt able to answer. It has brought back some memories of my own of a very difficult time.

Firstly, I cannot express just how sorry I am for you. Cancer in itself is generally physically tiring and draining; it really drags you down because of the constant extra effort even if you haven't got any other symptoms. This or just the bad news on top of everything can paralyse you mentally as well, as I know only too well.

You have a lot on your plate with your recent loss and your own physical and mental health so it is not a surprise that you feel unable and totally unprepared for another loss. It feels like two new big ladles of sheer misery have been dumped on an already overflowing plate and you have surpassed the limit of what you can cope with.

Having learned to read between the lines, what you have actually lost is the chance to die cancer-free. But you have still two other options: you can die from cancer or from something else. In your case, the wording favours the option that you are rather going to die in due time from something else because your cancer can be medically kept under control. More illness and unpleasant side effects for you but it won't be outright deadly, won't shorten your lifespan, and it won't be the end of your world.
Because in comparison to you, I have been told outright from the very diagnosis and before any treatment even started that I am on palliative care. I can still die from something else before I stop responding to my cancer treatment but that has to happen rather as an accident or by my own choice.
But I cannot say enough just how sorry I am and that this bad news and the crisis with Treacle and Toffee on top is the last thing I'd wish on you.

I hope that this helps you put your own diagnosis into a bit more of a perspective?
It's now 18 months since I started my own cancer treatment. I am still here, still fit to be active on the forum and looking after my own piggies. I am hoping that I live long enough to see all my piggies out. I am 5 down since I ended up in hospital and have another 12 yet to go in realistically the next 2-3 years, so there is going to be yet another stampede to the Rainbow Bridge at some point. However it was my choice to adopt a ready made family close to each other in age so I will hopefully not end up with a lone piggy for long.
But at least I can brace for it better, knowing that I have been through a much worse run of losses and come out the other side.
I fully understand what you are going through right now, having had to deal with grieving overload and the resulting emotional paralysis myself during that time while the cancer was already spreading through my body - only that in the wake of just having Covid badly in the middle of that run of losses, I assumed that I was suffering from Long Covid. It was a very dark place indeed.

The fact that Toffee is lethargic means that the lump is unfortunately affecting him. Guinea pigs are wired to suppress symptoms to an astonishing degree because they are prey animals. I am sure that the vet will understand and not blame you when you tell them of your cancer diagnosis just after Treacle's loss. This an extreme situation that has nothing to do with not being a loving owner but all to do with being overloaded beyond the point where you can cope.
He will need painkillers in any case but you can ask to have a few more days to say good bye at home if it is too much for you right now to come home without him. Be prepared for having to rush him to the vets for emergency pts/euthanasia, though, if Toffee is deteriorating too quickly during your period of grace while he is still eating.
I can only echo: Please go together with your friend and don't go alone.

As to your grieving: Please try to think of Toffee wanting to be together with his best friend and think of them being reunited at the Rainbow Bridge as a pair. Mourn them together as Treacle-and-Toffee; that is easier and takes some pressure off you as you are mourning a unit and you are not having to manage two different grieving processes at once. You are already grieving for both of them, anyway.
You already know about the Blue Cross helpline for the piggy side: Blue Cross Pet loss support

But please also contact your gp today and ask them for mental health crisis support.
Also ask them to please put you in contact with Macmillan nurses or contact Macmillan yourself for their support in dealing with your diagnosis and the cancer side. The nurses are not just there for end of life care but can help you get the support you need.
What you need is trained help and as much trained support for yourself as you can get as quickly as possible. Once that kicks in, it is going to get easier for you.

We are of course still here for ongoing moral support but we cannot replace the professional training that you need right now for your medical and mental health crisis. Please don't feel ashamed. Life can push anybody into the ropes at times and you have been truly battered.

My heart and my thoughts are with you.
 
Toffee doesn't want to leave you just yet because he knows how much you love him. You are an excellent owner and get enormous joy from your piggy. Time is passing though and Toffee may be close to setting off on the next great journey. What a mixture of love and tears life is. It would probably be easier for him to be eased from this world while his lump is still intact. Your vet will understand. Perhaps you could agree a stepped approach with time to say goodbye over some days. It is very hard taking a pet to that final vet appointment and can bring a huge sense of betrayal and an awful sense of loss, like a bottomless pit. But you are doing the right thing by talking about it and you are being very sensible. I wish you peace of mind whichever decision you make 🙏♥️ We are here to give you a hand up whenever you need it.
 
My vet recommended my Pebble be PTS when he had a bladder stone and dental issues. But I wasn’t ready. Some would say that’s selfish. But we had a lovely further 12 days together making memories before we helped him over the bridge.
 
Thank you for all your lovely replies and apologies for taking so long to respond. I feel as if I'm doing everything at half speed these days and my brain isn't working properly.

@Wiebke I just want to say I think you're amazing after all you've been through and are going through that you still take the time to help others. You have a wonderful way with words and know exactly the right things to say.

I finally made myself phone the vet today. We had a long chat and I'm taking Toffee in on Monday. I know he's not far from the end but I don't think he's there yet and I'm hoping some more pain medication (he's already on metacam for his arthritis) could make him more comfortable. I think it's important for the vet to see him and now I've made the appointment I feel calmer. Hopefully it will be a bit cooler on Monday, today has been a nightmare.
 
You know Toffee so well and love him so much. He could not have a better owner than you. Wishing you comfort and strength 🙏♥️
 
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