Missing him and blaming myself :(

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1_winged_angel

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Since losing Alphonse, I keep having this feeling of intense sadness and guilt. I keep asking myself if I did enough to help him and wondering whether or not this was my fault. I know it probably wasn't my fault and the fact that his illness was caused by someone else. But I still sit here less than 3 days later and I keep asking myself, "Did I do enough?" "Was this my fault?" "Did he carry on crying for me, even after I'd left the room?" "Does he know I love him so very much?"

I kept telling him I was so sorry. He was such an amazing little thing and he didn't deserve any of this, yet the person whose fault it is that he got sick is in his 50's and does nothing with his life... unless you call sleeping all day and leaving your home to resemble a slum an achievement. He gets to live on. Alphonse was little more than a teenager.

How do I work through feelings like that?
 

Fudge and Rainbow :)

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Please don't feel guilty, this shows how much you loved him because you feel this guilt. I felt it to when both my girls went to the bridge on the same night. 8... It wasn't your fault, you loved him very much x) xx
 

1_winged_angel

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Thanks, I guess at times I just feel so angry at myself and then at that person. I have never hated in my life, so don't understand how that would feel, but the way I feel about this person who killed my Alphonse, I was actually considering acts of violence against him, only stopping after reminding myself that:

1. It would NEVER bring Alphonse back.
2. Alphonse would have been ashamed of his Mum, he didn't have a violent Mummy
3. This is a man that doesn't even care that he makes his own kid sick, why would be care about someone's pet?

This feeling does go away doesn't it?
 

Shellza

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Hun, you can't beat yourself up about this. It's not your fault at all. You did your best for him and I'm sure he knows that. It must be heartbreaking for you, but death comes with life, it was obviously just his time to go :( I'm so sorry you feel this way, I'm sure time will help heal your pain, but little Alphonse will remain in your memory forever.
 

Fudge and Rainbow :)

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Thanks, I guess at times I just feel so angry at myself and then at that person. I have never hated in my life, so don't understand how that would feel, but the way I feel about this person who killed my Alphonse, I was actually considering acts of violence against him, only stopping after reminding myself that:

1. It would NEVER bring Alphonse back.
2. Alphonse would have been ashamed of his Mum, he didn't have a violent Mummy
3. This is a man that doesn't even care that he makes his own kid sick, why would be care about someone's pet?

This feeling does go away doesn't it?

When ever you think of him, you will miss him and soon that guilt will go away. You will realise you did everything you could, you loved him and you will know that he was happy with you and instead of guilt, you will feel happy that you had him in your life and he had you in his. x)
 

1_winged_angel

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I'll always remember him as the cheeky chappie he was, nibbling my nose or pulling my piercings
 

doglovinpiggylover

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awww sweet, if it helps we all go through this, you will always feel guilt no matter what, you always have the what ifs, but in reality, they dont exist, you loved your baby and did as much as you could...i mean, why wouldnt you have?

Please just dont beat yourself up, of course you loved your baby, but honestly it gets easier each day, but you never ever forget x)
 
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A ray of light

As much as it hurt not to be there for him, I can see little Alphonse's death as a source of inspiration. The 50 something waster is my dad and he has an ability to make me dance to his tune like a sick marionette.

As sick as it sounds I keep Alphonse's last days as a memory to inspire me to cut his control strings in the most brutal way possible.

I blamed myself the evening he (Alphonse) died, then I realized that until recently I was, and to an extent I still am, a total noob to this. So I totally missed the signs of a nasty case of Salmonella poisoning, which sadly took the little monkeys life.

I still love the guy and I'm sure he knows this.
 

1_winged_angel

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Introducing my OH, Steve :). Alphonse was our first piggie together, I had already been with Patch for 3 months when we got together, so he took both of us on
 

flintstones

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I find this poem helps me greatly.

Don't think of him as gone away-
His Journey's just began,
Life holds so many facets-
This earth is only one.

Just think of him as resting
From the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
Where there are no days or years.

Think how he must be wishing
That you could know today
Now nothing but your sadness
can really pass away.

And think of him as living
In the hearts of those he touched
For nothing loved is ever lost -
And he was loved so much
 

1_winged_angel

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that poem was a comfort. When I fell asleep last night, I could have sworn I heard him chittering and chattering to me, almost as if he was saying "Thank you mummy for releasing me from so much pain and suffering, I know you wanted to stay with me till the very end, but I knew you couldn't. I love you."
 

Hanwombat

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I have lost so many piggies and each death is sad. Even though they're gone, you still love them and cherish the time you spent with them. As long as they had a good life whether short or long you should feel comfort that they were happy - as not all animals have a happy life that they deserve.
 

1_winged_angel

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what did this person do to him? as i would concider calling the RSPCA armed with vet reports x

This person lives in a squallid house, and he would often send off-cuts of veggies for the piggies to eat, even though we have requested he didn't for this very reason.

Unfortuantely, everything in this house is contaminiated with Salmonella. I went there on Christmas day and came out with such a bad stomach problem that I was unable to keep water down for a while, not nice.

Well the cabbage leaves he sent were no exception and even though I have often told the kids not to feed the animals without asking 1st, one of them fed Alphonse this contaminated food.

I am considering the RSPCA as well as Social Services as there is a small child involved in this story as well. I called Social not too long ago so their investigation is underway

xx
 

1_winged_angel

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ohhh thats horrid i would defo call social services and the RSPCA incase they have anymore pets x

I have done, I have also found out about a case of benefit fraud that could be happening there and have alerted the authorities.

He has a dog called Tina, shes a lovely thing
3288_75436005926_647985926_2070218_5807182_n.jpg


This was the living room on a GOOD day.
 

1_winged_angel

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RSPCA informed... ooh how I would love to be the fly on the wall when they turn up.
 

1_winged_angel

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I took this picture before taking him to the vets the last time, I see this and I just wanted to make him better again. Poor little angel xx

180729_482770245926_647985926_6313761_4502548_n.jpg


Sleep tight baby xx
 
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