
My name is Harry and I'm an agouti guinea pig.
1) My slave thinks it's funny to call me fatty bum, when the "junk in my trunk" is clearly all muscle. She's so ignorant.
2) My favorite thing to do is boss Lloyd around, because I'm his big brother and that is my right...
3) ...but for some reason whenever the slave removes him from the cage for cuddles, I find myself really missing him. So I run in and out of my house a lot, jump in the hay drawer and start wheeking like a loon until he is returned. This is because I'm an emotionally complex boy.
4) For further proof of my complexity, I have a pathological hatred of being petted while in my cage, but have been known to sit for 45 minutes, blissed out, in the slave's lap while she feeds me herbs and strokes my back.
5) The colour and position of my eyes makes it look like I'm permanently shocked or had botox. Either way, the slave says it's my best feature. I can't disagree.

My name is Lloyd. I was the runt of my litter, but I use my diminutive size to my advantage. Here are my five facts.
1) My Mum was a show pig, but obviously felt threatened by my devastatingly handsome features and chewed off a large part of both my ears at birth.
2) My slave rescued us from someone who thought my brother's dreamy eyes and my little ears meant we were "defective" pigs, because we'd never be show quality. She said we were the most handsome boys she's ever seen, and took us home.
3) Harry's the brawn, but I'm the brains of our two-boar operation. As soon as the slave starts serving up our veg, he starts popcorning, doing laps of the cage and making a nuisance of himself. I've discovered that sitting tight means I'm calmer, and better placed to get first pick of the good grub.
4) I hate being picked up, and I can only tolerate lap time for 5 or so minutes before needing to dash off. Oddly, I love having my chin stroked for long periods in my cage and love having a nose at what the slave's up to when she's in our room.
5) The slave set us up with our own Netflix account and, when she's working downstairs, will leave shows on for us to get used to human voices.
We love House of Cards, Breaking Bad and The Royle Family, but hide as soon as the Orange Is The New Black theme music starts. They live their life behind bars, and so do we. It's all a bit too real for us.